Feb. 13, 2007
Are you turned on by a pair of hot legs? How about six? I have to admit, I get a bit irritable. Not really cranky, just a little crabby. But don’t mind that; let’s just head over to your place tonight. I invited thousands of my closest friends. And we like to play rough – assuming you’re into that kinda thing. Even if you’re not, just try stopping all of us.
That’s right. There’s a party in your pants, and everybody is invited! That itching sensation – don’t cry party foul; that’s just your allergic reaction to our biting. Please, go ahead and scratch us. That just spreads me and my pals around to your legs, armpits, eybrows, or any other cozy collection of hair. Long story short: prepare to sanitize everything you own, cuz I just announced a “Pants Party” on Facebook.
I’m not sure if you know this, but I’m kind of a big deal. As in the most frequently reported bacterial STD in the United States. I’m the strong, dark, and silent type, emphasis on the silent. In fact, chances are, you won’t even know what hit you. I’m just smooth like that.
Half the men that I get with don’t even know it. For the ladies, it’s three-quarters. And as for the rest of ’em, they know they’ve truly found me when they’ve got a little discharge down below or a burning sensation when they pee. You call it pain; I call it true love.
Baby, I’m so stealthy that I can cause irreversible damage to a woman’s reproductive system before she even knows I’m there. A night with me is so unforgettable, you’ll need antibiotics.
I’m all about playing the field right now. I mean, to be honest, I kinda get around ... with 15 percent of the population. That’s about 20 million lucky lovers. What I’m trying to say is - I’m a player. You still want more proof? At least 80 percent of women will be familiar with me, Human Papilloma Virus, by age 50.
And don’t be intimidated by that swank-sounding name. My friends just call me G Dubs – as in genital warts. Guys, girls, I don’t discriminate. There’s plenty of me to go around.
They say there’s no cure for a broken heart. Well, break away cuz once you’ve been with me, there is no turning back. Oh, did I mention my affinity with risks? Like increasing a woman’s risk of getting cervical cancer. Scared yet? I’ll share a little secret. If you really want to check me out, just be sure to get a regular pap test, and you’ll be in the clear.
I sure hope you believe in soulmates because, honey, you and me were meant to be. Just give me one night, and I’ll stay with you forever. I mean that. You can seek all the help you want; no treatment is getting rid of me. If there is one thing I’ve got, it’s staying power.
I think that red roses are so cliché. For our first date, I’ll show up with a fresh bouquet of red rashes that will blossom into a breakout of blisters. And don’t worry, I’m a gift that will keep right on giving. Sure, you can take your fancy-pants, antiviral medication to hold me back, but let’s be honest – you can’t stop me; you can only hope to contain me. I’m a stage-five clinger, so get comfortable. I’ve already picked out a great duvet cover.