13 tips for pledges

Independent rush kicks off today. Pledges are encouraged to stay home and do whatever the hell they want. That's right, you don't have to buy into the frat rush just to have fun. There are 35,000 18- to 24-year olds on this campus. You can have a good time anywhere. \n Since this is my last semester taking classes at IU, I think it would be helpful to some of the freshmen if I could impart some wisdom to their pledge class.\nSo here are 13 things I've learned that can help you with college, or that later part of your life that you don't yet know is going to suck.\nNumber one: You can have a pretty good time for four years or you can have a really good time for one semester. Yeah, I know, IU is 60 percent female, and beer is about as difficult to find as an eating disorder at a beauty pageant. But you have to control yourself a bit or you'll be back living in your parents' house and hawking motor oil to rednecks 40 hours a week at the Tire Barn. \nNumber two: Never, ever ride in the back. I don't care how long the walk is or how late you are; it is never necessary to ride on the back of a motorbike. It's also just good advice for life.\nNumber three: If you're really hung over, just stay in bed. If you go to class, you'll just sleep through it anyway. If it's a class that counts attendance, don't worry about it. Just make up some religious holiday or get on your computer and create a funeral slip on Microsoft Word. \nOne semester, when I majored in drinking and minored in "Baywatch" reruns, I killed my whole family off. When my professor questioned me on this, I asked him if it made him feel good about himself to pick on an orphan.\nNumber four: It's OK if a professor shows a PowerPoint slide, and it's OK if he shows a video, but if he ever shows a video of himself giving a PowerPoint slide, get up and leave.\nNumber five: Morals are for weenies.\nNumber six: You're in college now. Turn the video game system off.\nNumber seven: This one's for the eight incoming freshmen at IU that are actually from Indiana. When the kids from the East Coast tell you how podunk Indiana is, just smile, nod and walk around for a while not getting mugged. When the kids from the West Coast say, "This is as cold as it gets around here, right?" in the middle of October, just say yes. In about three weeks, they'll be crying like Bob Knight during a Roy Firestone interview.\nNumber eight: This is for all the pledges living in the dorms. I don't care what the other guys say, nobody ever lost their virginity at summer camp. They just tell you that because it can't be verified. \nNumber nine: The guys with tie-dye and torn jeans are just as phony as the guys with khakis and polo shirts.\nNumber 10: If your teeth get loose about two months from now, that's called scurvy. Eat a friggin' orange.\nNumber 11: Remember when you were 13 and you told yourself that when you got your own place you'd fill it up with video games, comic books and soft-core pornography? Now's your chance.\nNumber 12: In about three weeks, you're going to see groups of kids walking around in blue blazers and ties. Walk up behind them and yell, "Drop and give me 20!" When they all fall on their stomachs, walk away snickering.\nAnd finally, lucky 13: If God had meant for you to be a vegetarian, he would have made cows taste like broccoli.\nWell, pledge class, you're well on your way to being cynical, unproductive sophomores, juniors and seniors. Before long you'll be wearing the same jeans all week and sniffing the armpits of your T-shirts to see if they can go just one more day. We have no meetings, no formals, no set times when we can eat or shower. We don't sleep in a barracks, and we don't haze, but we're brothers nonetheless. \nI'll let you in on a little secret: Each one of you guys will have a better time than all of the frat boys combined, and you'll get to keep a little dignity, too. That just kills them. \nGood luck.