Morality: A farce in one act

Cast of Characters:\nBoy, a boy.\nGirl, a girl.\nThe child, a grievous mistake.\nRobert Gabriel Mugabe, Zimbabwe's President\nSetting: A bar, a social gathering, etcetera. Dimly lit, yet festive in mood.\nAct I: Scene: Boy, either of college age or a 20-something professional, is in a social setting of some sort. See above. Likewise with the girl. Alcohol is involved. At some point, their vacuous gazes, further deadened by the ravages of the bottle, meet.\nBoy: I was wondering if there's a mirror in your pants...\nGirl: Would you like to dance?\nThey dance. Girl takes boy home. They screw. Hot monkey passion. Etcetera.\nBoy and girl repeat the process. Time passes. Boy and girl, woefully ill-prepared for parenting, learn that screwing makes babies.\nSo they decide to raise the child, a child they theoretically have a responsibility to care for. They purchase a brand spanking new minivan, thinking that's all it takes. Well, the best laid plans of mice and men...\nResponsibility for the child is handed over to an English teacher at a public school, a 50ish spinster named Edna. A surrogate parental figure among surrogate parental figures, Edna enjoys the work of Emily Bronte, good spelling and proper grammar, not to mention the cough drops she keeps in her desk. Edna hates people. In fact, she really hates people, especially children. And she hates the lousy $27,000 she makes a year and the damned 1991 Ford Taurus she has to drive about. Edna is really sick and tired of having to do all of her shopping at Walgreen's. And we will not even speak of Mr. Fuller, the obese chemistry teacher who always makes suggestive remarks to her in the lounge.\nAlternately, responsibility for the child is handed over to a religious figure, probably Christian. If Catholic, the child is taught to hate Protestants and that they'll go to hell. If Protestant, the child is taught to hate Catholics and that they'll go to hell. Regardless of theology, the child is told not to masturbate.\nThe child is shunned and mocked by peers. While confused by "vague feelings," the child is also shunned and mocked by members of the opposite sex. The child learns all about self-loathing, rage and frustration.\nBoy and girl continue to screw and worry about their careers, keeping up with the Joneses, the NL East pennant race, etcetera.\nMeanwhile, the child starts to abuse illicit drugs and mutilate himself. One day, the child snaps and brings a gun to school. Boy and girl read all about it in the newspaper the next day.\nThe child spilled a lot of blood. A lot of blood. And he was only nine. People start talking about the decay of family values. People on TV, people on the street. A Congressional hearing is called for. Fingers are immediately pointed at the true culprits -- Hollywood and the music industry.\nSen. Sam Brownback, R-Kansas, makes a dramatic display of how Dr. Dre single-handedly corrupted the child. In outraged tones, he reads some of Dr. Dre's lyrics on the Senate floor.\nSen. Brownback: I know yo type, so much b**ch in you/ If it was slightly darker, lights was little dimmer/ my d**k be stuck up in yo windpipe/ Hmm, you'd rather blow me than fight/ I'm from the old school, you owe me the right to slap you/ like the b**ch that you are/ Youse a b**ch n**ga, motherf****n b**ch n**ga.\nSen. Brownback is funny.\nAnyway, Sen. Brownback then urinates on the First Amendment. A true American hero, the distinguished gentleman from Kansas is carried away by sweeping throngs of supporters.\nRealizing at long last that Stanley Kubrick's "Eyes Wide Shut" is the sole cause of all societal dysfunction, the mob heads out to Hollywood, where they lynch everyone in sight.\nSean Penn escapes to his fortress on the moon.\nBoy and girl continue to screw.\nFIN