Pick your poison

I'm ba-ack!\nYou knew I couldn't stay away from the opinion page for long I have way too many opinions. And though I was more than happy to pass the proverbial torch to Miss Ashley Keen, our lovely and talented new opinion editor, I am kind of sad that I'm just another columnist now. \n That's where you come in. You see, this is my first column of the fall -- the column that will set the tone for the rest of the year and make you either turn to the opinion page first on Thursdays or avoid it like the plague. My editors told me I need to come up with a style, a pattern, a hallmark of self-expression. But there are so many different types of columns, and so few weeks in the semester! I desperately call upon you, my beloved readers, to help me choose which path of writing to take as I journey into the wide world of columns.\nI would like to humbly submit the following column styles. If you see one you like and are extremely bored and/or in the mood to procrastinate, feel free to drop me an e-mail at letters@indiana.edu and let me know what kind of column you want to read this semester.\nThe scathing political commentary \nIs the horrific state of the nation the fault of those swindling Democrats or those cold-hearted Republicans? Joseph Lieberman: All-around nice guy or just another slimy politician? Will Hillary win over the Big Apple, or will she and Bill slink off into a political void after the election? House Speaker Dennis Hastert: Boxers or briefs?\nThese and other hot Capitol Hill topics could be yours every Thursday if this is the way you want me to go. Be forewarned: I think Al Gore and George Dubbya are equally slimy and boring. (One can be slimy, one can be boring, just please don't be both!) If we do go down this political path, dear readers, just know I will encourage you to vote each and every Thursday. Even after the election. But that's another column.\nThe smarmy 'Stop and smell the roses' column\nPhrases such as "Too often, we just ignore Mother Nature" and "Today I took a canoe trip on the mighty Jordan" abound in this type of column. These articles pleadingly remind stressed-out students to carve out at least one hour a day to "find themselves." I'm all about self-discovery, but please don't vote for this approach!\nHumorous humanistic observations\nOr, as my sister would say, the "Didj'ever notice?" column. "Didj'ever notice that parking on campus is ridiculous?" "Didj'ever notice that every student thinks his or her major is the most difficult?" You know, the kind of thing "Saturday Night Live" character Linda Richman would say, "Talk amongst yourselves. The chickpea is neither a chick nor a pea. Discuss." Humorous commentary on daily life a la Jerry Seinfeld ... only I'm so not as funny. You might want to avoid voting for this one, considering I really get a kick out of things such as Easy Cheese. It could get tedious, folks.\nA cornucopia of random topics\nLet's review. This summer, I wrote about capitalism, virginity, smoking, HIV, hope and soap operas. I love to write, and I love learning more about the craft as I work for the paper. Inspiration for me comes in the form of roommates, TV, books and coffee. This is my favorite route, and I hope you readers will vote for this one, too.\nNot that I'm really expecting an outpouring of reader response to this column. But I love reader e-mail, and I hope you'll drop me a line every now and again. Who knows? Maybe you will inspire my next column. \nAs Dr. Frasier Crane would say, "I'm listening"