Mark your calendars, because today is the day terrorism ended.\nOur sneaky government recently found a CD-ROM that contained a six-volume terrorist manual, according to CNN. Officials believe supporters of Saudi dissident Osama bin Laden were the ones who published it.\nYet after a thorough investigation of the information, our boys have only one thing to say. \n"No big deal."\nYou'd think they would be more excited, but officials reveal the manual doesn't say what terrorists are planning to do next or anything other helpful information of that nature.\nIt almost makes the situation kind of suspicious. It seems as if we obtained this manual pretty easily, don't you think? \nIt's almost as if we found the other team's playbook the night before the big game. So, in the spirit of exchanging information with the other side, the IDS just found a copy of the United States' anti-terrorism handbook this morning. \nI hope some terrorists are reading this, because we're giving them a pot of gold here.\nThe highlights of the U.S. anti-terrorism handbook include the following:
Shoot the hostage\nSome of you might be vehemently opposed to this, but we ask you to check your ethics at the door. You've all seen the movie "Speed," right? Well, we in the U.S. government believe this movie parallels real life better than any other movie Keanu Reeves has made. So, if Keanu says we should shoot the hostage, we shoot the hostage.
Give the terrorists what they want\nThis might sound a little weird, but we should always comply with terrorists. Giving them what they want will speed up the whole process. If we end up having to stake out for hours and hours, we're going to have some serious expenses. First, there's overtime, and we're going to need to pay extra for anything special, like those big lights we just shine over the outside of the building. So, just give the terrorists whatever they want. Besides, when you really get to know them, they're usually not bad guys.
Ignore ticking noises\nTicking noises do not equal bombs. There are many other things in this world that make ticking noises. For instance, people might be moving some clocks or a small dog with a chicken bone in its throat. But if you really must investigate these "ticking noises," be careful, because some agents do have scars from dog bites.\nThese are only a few of the many entries in this vast 10-page handbook. Our government looks as if it's making some really tough decisions. The whole situation has opened our eyes to the inner workings of our government. Who would have thought "Speed" was so highly regarded in the U.S. anti-terrorism system?\nOh, and by the way, there was another thing attached to the front of the handbook. It said, "Hope you guys enjoy this, but always remember we shouldn't believe everything we read or find. If something seems like it's too good to be true, it probably is."\nWho knows what that means, but we'll be sure to let all you readers know whenever we figure it out.
