Talking back to bike thieves

I have been violated. That's right, I have been the victim of a bike theft. True, I was 12 years old when this heinous crime occurred, but the wound is still fresh.\nThere I was, a happy young lad, riding my bike to the 7-Eleven for some Tostitos and bean dip when the "perps" took aim. These bullies were nothing new, as they had been sticking me upside down in trash cans since the second grade. Upon making eye contact, I pedaled as fast as my "husky" body would allow.\nUnfortunately, this was not so fast … darn my mom for making me wear those tight-fitting Lee jeans. To make a long story short, I offered them anything they wanted in exchange for not taking my pretty-boy looks from me.\nIt turned out these particular bullies had a sense of humor. They thought it would be funny if they left me with the bean dip and not much else. As I walked in the front door, my mom asked me why I was shoeless and covered in bean dip. I made a pact with myself. I decided right then and there I would fight for all bike theft victims by bringing this issue to the forefront someday. \nNow is the time …\nMy goal: to go inside the criminal mind and, in doing so, learn what makes it tick … or whatever it is that criminal minds do. My plan: to plant an unlocked bike near Showalter Fountain, catch a criminal in the act of stealing it and interview this scum. \nI decided on a 1985 Roadmaster bicycle for my bait. I used this bike for two reasons:\n1. A bike like this might hold some kind of nostalgic value.\n2. It's all I have.\nI present to you my tape-recorded notes and conclusions from my stakeout.\n7:30 p.m. -- It is now dusk and I have placed the bike, which we'll call "Tulip," in an empty bike rack near Showalter Fountain. Clothed in camouflage and armed with only a tape recorder, I slink into the bushes and await my nemesis.\n7:33 p.m. -- The branch that had snagged on my … boxers has now been beaten down. Not to worry ladies, my "boys" are still intact. Back to work.\n7:41 p.m. -- I begin to ponder the possibility of violence and it occurs to me I'm not adequately prepared for such a situation. However, I do have a pen. They used pens in "West Side Story," didn't they? \n8:12 p.m. -- I realize that I have yet to think of any questions to ask the criminal when he takes the bait.\n9:30 p.m. -- OK, now I have a few:\n• What was your motive in stealing Tulip?\n• Did you ever consider the victim's feelings?\n• Why am I so darned good-looking?\nThis is all for now.\n10:17 p.m. -- It looks like we might have a winner, folks. The suspect appears to be wearing flip-flops and some sort of bright bandanna. I cannot determine the gender of said criminal, as his/her head seems to be engulfed in a sea of … long, skinny, sausages? Strike that, those are dreadlocks. Okay, it touched the bike. Here we go …\nMe: Stop! Thief! Please move away from the bicycle!\nCriminal Dude: What?\nMe: I saw you touching my bike! You're a very bad, bad man.\nCriminal Dude: Did not.\nMe: Did too.\n(Several minutes later)\nMe: So you just wanted to make a bong out of the horn?\nCriminal Dude: Yes.\nMe: That's not a bad idea. Here's my e-mail. Let me know how that turns out.\nCriminal Dude: Cool.\n10:31 p.m. -- Darn hippies.\n11:14 p.m. -- Will someone please steal my bike? Please!!?? \n11:33 p.m. -- Time out because of naked females frolicking in the fountain.\n12:15 a.m. -- I'm a bit chilly. Maybe a little scotch will do the trick. Always come prepared, that's what I say. Cheers!\n1:47 a.m. -- (with a slight slur) Why isn't my bike good enough for people? It's pretty and red. Goes fast and so forth … Tell me I'm pretty. OK, I'm just gonna' ride her home now. She's mine, all mine. I'm ridin' now! Look at me, no hands!\nThis concludes the transcript for the evening. Although I was not successful in my exploration of the criminal mind, I did learn several valuable lessons. First, always wear a helmet. Second, watch for parked police cars when drunkenly swerving on a bicycle. And finally, never urinate in the back of a Bloomington Police Department squad car.