A riff on the 'Bloody Eighth'

And now I present to you: A Riff on the Bloody Eighth.\nBecause really, not much is happening on the national scene, except that Al Gore is desperately trying to hire some mafia types to "put the freeze" on Ralph Nader; George W. Bush is basking in the sun lamp he takes with him to Northern Michigan; and the polls continue to tell us nothing of substance about the race.\nThe congressional district in which we live is called the Bloody Eighth. That's because of all the human sacrifice. Figuratively, anyway. Our races for the House are always close, always mean and often unseat incumbents. Since we live in a largely conservative district, running from Bloomington to Evansville, the candidates are usually alike in ideology. Not even this year's Democrat, Dr. Paul Perry, believes in gun control or a woman's right to choose.\n(Do you ever wonder where all the real Democrats are? California, maybe?)\nJohn Hostettler, not to be outdone, takes the hardline position on everything from abortion to flag burning.\n Ahhh! There's nothing that makes me more upset than someone who wants to pass a Constitutional amendment to ban flag burning. Do you know which countries ban flag burning? Communist China! Cuba! The former Soviet Union! Those are the kinds of places where the governments are so afraid of free speech that they ban the defilement of patriotic symbols.\nThe New York Times calls us a "quirky, populist district" because we constantly vote our representatives out of office. I suppose house guests, fish and congressmen all begin to stink after a while.\nThe New York Times is trying to call us quirky? Well, at least we have John and Paul running, and not the first lady.\nIn the same article, the Times quoted Jason Pratt as saying the voters of the Bloody Eighth "want the working person to get a fair shake, and don't want politicians coming around taking our guns away." Luckily, it looks as though both of the Bloody Eighth's choices believe in an America armed to the teeth.\nBut if anyone is going to take our guns away, it'll be the same Fascists who want to stop us from burning the flag. \nThere is a stark difference between rural and urban America. I know all about this, since I've lived in both environs. On the farm, in the dark, without any neighbors, it was always nice to know that mom had a few shotguns, and that my dad always kept the pistol around. When I spent the summer in Boston and my good friend was robbed while someone held a cheap handgun in his face, I wouldn't have minded if Gore had come around taking everyone's guns away. Even Harvard Yard was kinda spooky in the dark.\nDr. Paul, whose slogan is "Let's Put a Doctor in the House," looks a bit nervous in his campaign photos. Perhaps it's because he must convince the liberals in Bloomington he's a real Democrat, and at the same time get Jason Pratt to vote for him. Hostettler, on the other hand, always looks very much at ease. I'm sure it's because he's given up on anyone at IU who isn't a member of the College Republicans, and on the other hand has the Fascist vote all sewn up. \nWell, those are your choices. Choices? Bloody pitiful, isn't it? If you're a moderate Republican or a liberal Democrat, your dream candidates are otherwise occupied. Elizabeth Dole and Jesse Jackson? Christine Todd Whitman and Ted Kennedy? Not in the Bloody Eighth, where it's tradition to choose between the pot and the kettle.