ADD makes me special

Have you ever forgotten to read an assignment for class? Ever raised your hand to answer a question, only to find you have no idea what you were going to say? Ever been out on a date and discovered that, to your chagrin, you forgot to wear shoes?\nIf you answered, "yes" to the first two questions, you are probably just another smiling idiot like everyone else. But if you responded affirmatively to the third question, you might be a smiling idiot with a medical problem -- ADD (Attention Deficit Disorder).\nLet me begin by admitting that I am one of those idiots with ADD. We're all in the same sinking boat together, and we're too spaced out to bail water. ADD is characterized by an inability to concentrate, and it is often accompanied by hyperactivity. Luckily, the latter does not affect me. Some people run around and forget things; I lay on my couch and forget things. I am blessed.\nPeople with ADD are usually disorganized. Their lack of organization goes well beyond having a messy room; it might mean having a messy life. We are the kids in class who always "zone out" or "space out," even on days when we are not hung over or stoned. The task at hand is almost never a priority. In my case, classes are neatly filed right behind naps and shuffleboard.\nADD can also severely impair one's ability to date effectively. This is particularly true for men, who hold a statistical edge over women in the ADD area. Many times women feel their men are acting like irresponsible little boys. These unfeeling women must remember these gentlemen have a medical condition for which there is no cure. Show some compassion, for Christ's sake!\nOnce, an ex-girlfriend, who we'll call Lucifer, became irate when I dozed off while she was talking about various Beanie Babies. Lucifer was a petite girl, yet she seemed to possess the strength of 20 men when she put me in that sleeper-hold and physically forced Ritalin down my throat. When I came to, I found an apology note stuck to my fore0head. But that didn't begin to ease the pain I felt in my heart … and neck. \nSo, despite our heightened ability to make hours of passionate love to women, those of us with ADD often find ourselves being dumped, as Lucifer dumped me several days later. Where's the love?\nPeople sometimes treat me as though I am "different" or "special." To these people I say, give me a handicapped parking pass and I will accept your label. And yes, I am special. \n(Note to reader: This ADD thing is for real. It took me about 30 minutes to finish the previous five-word sentence. During this time I thought about everything from mom's apple pie to Velcro to how I would look with Mr. T's mohawk.)\nYou see, my mind is always going. It might appear I'm blankly staring into space with a mind as empty as an unguarded beer can at a Kennedy family reunion, but this isn't the case. In fact, when I am in a conversation, I try to maximize my time by contemplating the meaning of life while the other party is talking. Sometimes I even do this while I'm talking. Man, I am one talented kid!\nOf course, there are treatments available for this problem … after you pay the $500 it costs to get tested. Then, the most common treatment is medication. I take Ritalin, which is basically several types of amphetamines rolled into one pill. And it's legal, too! This type of drug has a calming effect on most people who suffer from ADD, which allows them to focus on the task at hand. \nI am dead serious when I say this drug really helps. But I don't take it nearly as often as I should. This causes me to inflict my personality on people who, many times, don't want to hear me talk. But I've never been a quitter, so I just keep on talking.\nMany people in the medical profession are treating ADD as a serious learning disability. People who used to be classified as "forgetful" or "lazy" are now being blanketed with this diagnosis. Some are quick to point out that people with ADD often use the diagnosis as a crutch or excuse. But I paid $500 (not to mention the screening sessions) to have this crutch fitted, so you're damn right I'm going to use it! So quit complaining about how I get special treatment and go get your own crutch!\n(Note: The views and opinions expressed here may not be held against the author, as he had not taken his Ritalin before writing the article.)