Ditka, Ditka, Cameron

I hadn't seen Bob Swerski of "Saturday Night Live's" Superfans since he was wanted for the attempted murder of Mike McCaskey after Mike Ditka was fired.\nBut there he was in the Bloomington emergency room. Instead of wearing a Walter Payton jersey and Bears' jogging pants, good old Bob was wearing an Antwaan Randle El jersey and Hoosier shorts.\n"Bob, is that you?" I asked, surprised because he looked as if he had put on a good 50 or 60 pounds.\n"Yep, it's me, Scott," Bob said. "I haven't been the same since the Ditka conspiracy, when he was fired because they were worried he was a national threat. Anyways, I'm up to two cases of Old Style, a dozen Polish sausages and three heart attacks a day. I'm here because I thought I was having another heart attack, but I guess I just mistook it for some sausage that was stuck."\n"The polish sausage will always get you," I responded. \n"Yep," he said, as he continually punched his stomach to budge the sausage. "So you're covering da Hoosiers this year?"\n"You follow the Hoosiers?" I asked. \n"Yep, I went from Chicago to New Orleans with Ditka. But then he got fired again, so I came out to follow another coaching god, Bobby Knight. But then he got fired. What can I say? I fell in love with IU's beautiful women, the dorm meal card and "sink the biz," so I've stayed and now I follow Cam Cameron.\n"Instead of Ditka, Ditka, Ditka, Ditka, it's now Cameron, Cameron, Cameron."\n"Doesn't have the same ring," I said. "We did look good last week when we defeated a ranked team for the first time since 1993."\n"1993. That was the first year da coach didn't coach da Bears," Bob said as he started crying.\n"Sorry, I forgot," I said. "I don't have anything against Ditka. My dad actually went to the Superbowl game and I was brought up to respect Ditka."\n"Apology accepted," Bob said. "Oh yeah, I'm not happy about you trying to run Cam Cameron out of town. Give him some time. You know da coach needed a couple years before he won da Superbowl. Da Hoosiers could go to da bowl soon."\n"I'm not totally convinced yet, but let's talk about that later," I said. " Are you going to the game at the RCA Dome Saturday?"\n"Football in a dome is like spandex on men," Bob said. "It just ain't right and it should be outlawed. It sure ain't Bears' football or Soldiers Field for sure. Da Bears or football without fans who have no possibility of seeing their breaths or yell and swear drunkenly for da Bears with their shirts off in freezing temperatures is just wrong."\n"That's what I was thinking, but I could not have put it so eloquently," I answered.\n"Dat 'Twaan kid can surely play," Bob said. "He reminds me of a young Jimmy McMahon with some wheels and I could swear I see a little of Payton out there with Levron Williams and Jerry Dorsey, and Versie Gaddis reminds me of Willie Gault and Dennis McKinnon. Unfortunately, dat defense doesn't look like the Monsters of the Midway.\n"I know," I said. "I've been saying Indiana should be spelled without a 'd.'"\n"Da coach probably would have not stood for that in his Bears days," Bob said. "Da Hoosiers did show some progress last week, but they need to step it up like da Bears did in 1985. Paul Mandina and the line need to start looking like Dent, Fridge and McMichael. Justin Smith and the linebackers need to watch some tape of Singletary, Wilber Marshall and Otis Wilson and the secondary needs to start playing like Duerson and Fencik."\n"Sounds like a good idea," I responded. "We should get them a tape of the Super Bowl Shuffle, too. Anyways, how about the Bears at 1-7 this year?"\n"Like I said, nothing's been the same since Ditka's departure," he said angrily. "Ditka was well, Ditka. Who would win: Ditka versus God?"\n"I'm not sure," I said.\n"Trick question, Ditka is God. Ditka. Ditka. Ditka. I do know we'll beat the Colts in Chicago this year," he exclaimed.\n"Any predictions on the IU-Penn State game this weekend?\n"Hoosiers 42, Nittany Lions 0," Bob said.\n"Sounds like a barn burner," I said.\n"That's only the first quarter score," he said as he started having another heart attack.\nAs he was carted off to the emergency room, I heard his chant fade off into the distance.\n"Da Hoosiers. Da Hoosiers. Da Hoosiers. Da .."