With candidates like these, who needs presidents?

Four score and several years ago, our forefathers did a bunch of stuff that created a more perfect union, or something like that. But, albeit unbeknownst to them, they also set the wheels in motion for what could be our nation's greatest crisis since the XYZ Affair: the 2000 presidential election. (Sorry, I promise not to make anymore obscure historical references.) \nYes, this year's slate of candidates, including George W. Bush, Al Gore, Ralph Nader and Pat Buchanan must have even Millard Fillmore rolling in his grave. (I swear, that will be the last obscure historical reference.)\nFor the Republican Party, the road to the 2000 election began after the 1996 election, when GOP candidate Bob Dole received a drubbing normally associated with the Cincinnati Bengals. The GOP's first action after this shock was to immediately blame Newt Gingrich. Their next move was to find a suitable candidate for 2000. Among the early favorites was former vice president Dan Quayle, who was to run under the campaign motto "Why think before you speak?" Unfortunately, Quayle bowed out early on, which left the Republicans reeling. Obviously, they were left with only one option -- they had to select the only person more vapid than Quayle: George W. Bush.\n"W," as Bush is called (it's the only name he can remember how to spell), has had a distinguished policy-making career. Among his most famous deals involved trading Sammy Sosa for two players who were last seen on a milk carton when he owned the Texas Rangers. Therefore, it would seem to be a logical conclusion that, if president, he could trade General Motors to Tuvalu for all of their strategic guano deposits. But, before Bush says this column is a "subliminable" endorsement of the Democrats, I will proceed to bash Gore.\nGore, who seeks to become the first cyborg ever elected president, is best known as being the self-proclaimed inventor of the Internet. It should also be noted that he has spent the past eight years as vice president of our country. This means that he has successfully been able to double the reign of his legendary predecessor, James Danforth Quayle. Gore was trailing early this election year, but his fortunes shot up when his wife, Tipper (also the name of my aunt's cocker spaniel), slipped him the tongue at the Democratic National Convention. Apparently, this moment will be saved in his "lockbox," along with Social Security, Medicare and his dog's prescription medicine. Once elected, Gore promises that only a few hundred state secrets will be slipped to shady Chinese businessmen in exchange for campaign funding.\nSo maybe you are looking for a suitable third-party candidate. I can't help you there either, with the choices of Green Party candidate Ralph Nader and Reform Party candidate Pat Buchanan. Of course, they are probably more qualified than Bush and Gore, which is why they are not allowed in the presidential debates. Unfortunately, they have their flaws, too.\nFew people know that the "Green Party" was actually started by Oscar the Grouch on the 1988 episode of Sesame Street, sponsored by the letters C and E, as well as the number 8. Fewer people know that their candidate, consumer advocate Ralph Nader, was cryogenically frozen in 1980 after revealing that the Ford Pinto exploded upon impact and was successfully preserved to make a presidential run in 2000. Nader is not such a bad guy, except that his party's platform would likely make cars illegal and ban the use of meat, thus furthering the popularity of the veggieburger.\nThe other third, the Reform Party is just that, a "party." Party guests get plastered, and then draw their nominee's name out of a hat. This year the lucky winner was Pat Buchanan. Buchanan does have some good ideas to clean up politics, except for the fact he might make a move to deport all non-Protestant, non-Anglo citizens.\nSo what is it that I am trying to get at? Do I want you to not vote? Absolutely not, that would make this whole article pointless. Do I want you to move to Canada? No, that won't be necessary until Hillary Clinton is elected president. But I do beseech you to use the power of the write-in vote. It's a glorious thing -- you could write in whomever you want to, from Bob Saget to Mr. T.\nBut I would like to take this time to recommend voting for Bob Knight for president. Hey, he's got nothing else to do these days. And he wouldn't be the first general in the Oval Office. Problems with peace negotiations? No big deal; one can almost hear him saying: "Yasser, you will sit down until these negotiations are OVER!" Congress not passing a bill? He'll have them doing two-a-day sessions during recess.\nOf course, people might see him as being a little too rough. That's why I'd like to recommend Richard Simmons for vice president. He's also without a job since his quality TV program, "Richard Simmons' Dream Maker," went off the air. Not only would he provide a perfect counter for Knight, but he could have the whole crowd "sweatin' to the oldies" at the inauguration ball.\nAt any rate, no matter what happens in this election, instead of playing "Hail to the Chief" at inauguration, they should try R.E.M.'s "It's the End of the World As We Know It (and I Feel Fine)"