Women are pigs: Pageant proves it

Several nights ago I was forced to sit through a TV tragedy, also known as the "First Annual Sexiest Bachelor in America Pageant." By forced, I mean that my female roommate, who we will call Gertrude, had control of the remote and had hidden it somewhere in Russia I believe. I was not feeling particularly motivated and therefore decided to endure this trash rather than lift my bum off the sofa. After watching this debacle, I came to this conclusion: Women are pigs too.\n I will assume none of you out there saw this program, as it was on FOX. Allow me to recap: The goal of this program, besides making me want to vomit on each of the contestants individually, was to give women some sort of answer to contests such as the Miss America Pageant, Miss Teen USA or being a cheerleader at any point in their lives.\nThe evening began with 50 "bachelors," one from each state. Then the panel of judges (all women, mind you) narrowed the field to 10 airbrushed men. But as Gertrude noted, Mr. Indiana was a big dork who looked as if he were hand picked by a blind man who accidentally walked into a University computer lab. Evidently there was some sort of oversight, and that is why I was not named "Mr. Indiana." I urge all you ladies to protest, either by writing to FOX or by sending me naked pictures of yourself.\nThe next step for the contestants was a question and answer session. Again, this was different from any beauty contest I've ever seen, because every question pertained to relationships. For example, "If you had a chance to sleep with a TV celebrity while you were dating someone, would you do it?" Come on now … does he really have a choice here? I think not. Because if he had answered "yes," he would have (1) come in dead last and (2) been promptly lynched by every member of the all-female audience. \nUnfortunately, most of these pretty boys caved under the pressure. Luckily, I took notes on the dialogue, and have compiled them along with what I believe to be truthful answers:\nAnnoying host: What would you say is the key to a successful relationship?\nContestant: Commitment and/or communication.\nWhat he should have said: Alcohol.\nAnnoying host: How/where would you propose to your would-be wife?\nContestant: At the beach, under the moon and stars.\nWhat he should have said: At Denny's while eating Moons Over my Hammy.\nYou get the idea. I was disgusted by this forced show of dishonesty. One male who did show his true colors, Rahim, was quickly removed. When asked about turn-offs, he truthfully answered that hair weaves and nasty feet turn him off. Of course, this was a brilliant observation, but it was not what the estrogen-rich audience wanted to hear. Well God bless Rahim!\nAt this point in the program the novelty had begun to wear off, and my male roommate and I were considering shooting ourselves. But we decided to finish what we had started and watch the swimsuit competition. \nTo our disgust, one contestant actually wore Capri pants. Words cannot describe the hatred and embarrassment I felt for this man. I will say this once and be done with it: CAPRI PANTS ARE NOT FOR MEN! (Note: if you are a male and I see you sporting said pants, I will break your kneecaps so you will have plenty of time to think about what you've done while rolling around campus in a wheelchair.) I would have asked Gertrude her opinion on these pants, but it appeared as though she was too busy experiencing multiple orgasms on the couch. \nIn the end, a teacher from Virginia won the competition. Gertrude sulked, but I managed to pull the remote away from her. The nightmare was over. I thought about what I had learned from this hellish experience. At first I figured I had just become dumber for having watched this trash, but then I realized it did have one redeeming quality: I will never have to listen to a woman complain about beauty pageants ever again!\nThis show had less class than any beauty contest I've ever seen. I'm sure the makers of the show were not trying to pass it off as a classy program, but the fact remains that women were treating men like big ol' hunks of meat.\nPersonally, I have no problem with being treated this way. I take absolutely no offense to being gawked at (obviously an everyday occurrence) or being felt up by random women (every other day). But make no mistake, ladies, you have just given men a little more ammunition to use in the battle of the sexes.