A merit badge for voter apathy

So it's all coming down to the Sunshine State. It's very troubling that a few scattered votes might actually determine the next leader of the free world. I have a simple solution, an easy way to avert that -- just sell Florida back to Spain, Bobby Bowden and all. One peninsula is one peninsula too many, as far as I'm concerned. \nLast Tuesday, I didn't vote in the presidential election -- and with good reason. So that all the civic activists wouldn't make me feel guilty with charges of apathy and involuntary manslaughter -- no wait, that's the federal court. Anyway, I drew up a list. Kind of like Martin Luther's 95 theses. Well not exactly.\nBut here I stand, I can do no other:\n1. Gore favors "eventually phasing out the internal combustion engine." This sounds like a fine idea, until you consider how many times you'd have to stop to pick up Duracells to repower your motor scooter. I'm at least somewhat conscious much of the time, and it hasn't escaped my attention that I'm not living in Venice.\n2. Bush declared "Jesus Day" in Texas. And all this time I thought Christmas and Easter were "Allah Day" and "Odin Day," respectively. My bad.\n3. Gore favors paying down the national debt. The idea behind this is to prevent aggravated inflation from leading to a future in which the Marlboro Mile is the national currency. Yet, when meeting with seniors and teachers' unions, he might as well be campaigning with Regis: "I might be a pathological liar, I might behave as though I'm animatronic, but I'll be damned if I can't buy your vote."\n4. Bush talks about how he's "not of Washington." Yep, he's certainly a Horatio Alger story, the very model of grit and drive. He's not even smart enough to be cleaning toilets for a living, but I'm sure he'd be governor of the second largest state in the union were his grandfather not a senator, and his father not head of the CIA, vice president and then president. \n5. Gore proposed a Constitutional Amendment to "ensure victims' rights." Well, since you're pandering and intent upon abusing a sacred document for political gain, why stop there? What about a Constitutional Amendment to ensure that "you, personally, have a nice day?"\n6. Bush winning would mark the triumph of the immature yet genial jock over the earnest intellectual striver. I could have sworn I graduated from high school at some point. \n7. It is well-established that Gore is a tree-hugger. I'm in the newspaper business. Let me think this over really carefully, and I'll get back to you.\n8. Signing death warrants like nobody's business, Bush has killed more people than John Wayne. Now, I'm a pretty lapsed Catholic, but I think I've got the "killing bad" concept down pat.\n9. "The only difference between the two major parties is the velocity with which their knees hit the floor when the special interests come knocking." Ralph Nader actually said that -- it almost became his campaign slogan. I'm sorry, but as a writer, there's no way I could ever support anyone who actually speaks like that. For the love of god, lock that man in a room with the collected works of Hemingway. \nTo his credit, Nader actually got in a pretty good crack the day after the election, when he was the only candidate who'd talk to the networks: "Al Gore cost me the election."\nProminent historical scholars agree that it's the first time he's ever evinced signs of human life. But still, it would be kind of hard to back a candidate who believes that Satan now has a stint editing The Wall Street Journal.