'An Election Carol'

How about a re-vote? But not just in Palm Beach County, I'm talking about the entire country.\nAnd here's the kicker: We dump these sorry, petulant excuses for candidates and get some new blood in the race. How about John McCain and Elizabeth Dole running against Bob Kerry and Dianne Feinstein? They would get two weeks and $10 million to make their case to America. Then we would all vote, and not with the arcane punch ballots that have been the bane of Florida recounts. \nOr not. \nHolding a national re-election would be unconventional, not to mention unconstitutional. But barring a constitutional contortion, there's not much hope any good will come of this election. \nMy best case scenario involves some kind of miracle -- something a la A Christmas Carol.\nOnce upon a time, George W. Bush was returning to his Texas ranch. He had just been a sour-puss in refusing Al Gore's offer to meet. As he stepped inside, the ghost of his father's campaign adviser, Lee Atwater, appeared to him.\n"Geooooooorge! Geooorge! Don't be such a spoilsport. Let them count the votes. Take the high road! I didn't. I ran the most negative ad campaign ever against that poor sop, Michael Dukakis. I regretted it all my life. Some of my dying words were an apology to Mike. As you once said, you can't claim the high horse and then take the low road … or something strange like that."\n"Lee! Aren't you proud of me? I'm gonna be the president."\n"You will be visited by three spirits!"\nIn the blink of an eye, Atwater disappeared. \nGeorge, startled, stumbled into bed. \nWhen the clock chimed one, a bright light introduced the first spirit into Dubya's bedroom -- Nancy Reagan!\n"I am the ghost of elections past! Look into my large hair! You can see a vision of the 1876 election! Because he won the electoral vote but not the popular vote, Rutherford B. Hayes was ridiculed and called 'His Fraudulency.' Be careful."\nShaken, Dubya fell back into his bed. \nAt two o'clock, George woke to the sound of chomping. In the corner of the room was Dick Cheney. He was dressed in one of his navy blue suits, and devouring a large bag of pork-rinds.\n"I am the ghost of elections present. Look into my bag of pork rinds. The old Jewish women of Florida are angry. Jesse Jackson is angry. Democrats all over America are angry! Unless you tell Katherine Harris to let them count every vote in Palm Beach, you'll be in a lose-lose situation. Even if you win, these angry people will make your administration look like a bad parody of a Charles Dickens novel."\nBush fell back into a troubled sleep. \nJust an hour later, he awoke to the strains of the New York state song. A figure, draped in a black Armani pants suit, was standing in the corner of the room.\n"There isn't another like it, no matter where you go!"\n"Hillary!?"\n"That's right, George. I'm the ghost of elections yet to come. Look into my shiny apple, which happens to be the official state fruit of New York. Do you see? It's me, accepting the Democratic nomination for president. And there I am, at my inauguration. Look, that's my presidential portrait, right next to your father's. Remember what happens when you take the low road. Remember what happens when you let Katherine Harris, your campaign co-chair in Florida, strong-arm the election. Remember how good my husband and I are at bouncing back!" \nAs Dubya was crawling out of his bed the next morning, he grabbed the phone and whispered into the receiver.\n"Get Al Gore on the phone. Let's do this recount the right way"