Bad memories and a backwards cap

Have you ever had one of those moments where something reminds you of something dumb you did? Like the time you were six, got drunk at your cousin's wedding and tried to breakdance? \nBy "you," of course, I mean "me."\nIt all comes back in a blinding flash and you want to scream at the top of your lungs, "You dumb sonuvabitch!"\nThis happens to me all the time, usually when there are lots of other people around, and I usually manage to let out a stream of obscenities savage enough to make a sailor blush before I emerge from the Rambo-like flashback.\nWhile watching Fox's new sitcom "Normal Ohio" (8:30 p.m. Wed.), I had several such moments. The show itself blows. Here's the premise: "Look, John Goodman plays a gay guy! Let the hilarity ensue!" And this is only funny until the whippets wear off. But "Normal Ohio" inadvertently taps a nerve, dropping a cherry bomb into the toilet of your mind, forcing all your bad memories to come spewing up in a geyser of muck.\nGod, I love metaphors.\nButch Gamble (John Goodman) came out four years ago at his mother's birthday party. The event is known in his family circle simply as "The Incident" or "Pink Friday." His family didn't take it well: His dad called him a "sonuvabitch" in front of his mom. Speaking of which, ever since, Butch's mom spends her birthday crying in bed.\nTo make Butch's life that much more of a living hell, someone managed to get "The Incident" on tape, and now his relatives love to play the tape over and over again.\nHere, the flashback begins. Isn't there a moment in all of our lives that we would rather forget, but one which somebody managed to record?\nWhat I'm about to tell you, I have not told anyone else: Circa 1991, I thought I could ... rap. It was just after "Boyz N The Hood" came out, "In Living Color" was on TV and like every stupid suburbanite in the country, I listened to N.W.A. and, God help me, wore my cap backwards.\nYes, I know, that's really funny. Let's all laugh at me! Everyone together: HA HA! HA HA! HA HA!\nIt's not enough that I have to live with my actions every day for the rest of my life. OH NO! I know for a fact that one relative made an audio tape of me attempting to rap. And, I am told that there is a strong possibility that this tape still exists.\nWhile watching "Normal Ohio," I wanted to yell, "Why the hell do our family members, whom we love to death, keep reminders of those moments when we acted like colossal horses' asses?"\nAnd who else has seen these tapes? In "Normal Ohio," every member of Butch's family owns a copy of "The Incident" tape, and Butch's mom ends up showing it to a bar full of bikers with names like "Skull."\nThis is my worst nightmare. I'm not a paranoid man, but I know there are many people plotting against me, and I can't imagine what they'd do if they found ... the tape.\nCan't we have one day where we collect all our wedding albums and home videos, strip naked and dance around a huge bonfire as we throw the vile mementos into the holy flame?\nBurn! Burn! BURN!\nEditor's Note: We know this column isn't actually "about" TV, but Schogol's doctors have told us it's good for him to vent once in a while.