CNN needs glasses

By Nov. 7, CNN must have realized that most Americans were downright apathetic toward this election. So how could the network attract viewers on election night when this year's selection was about as appealing as a choice between a punch to the throat and a knee to the groin? Simple: Treat the election like a basketball game; make the constantly changing score the emphasis of the coverage at the expense of accuracy.\nConsequently, things got livelier than a snowball-throwing contest at Veterans Stadium as my neighbors, a Bush supporter and a Gore supporter, gathered in my room to watch the event. CNN's coverage caused each candidate's fans to go through an emotional roller-coaster as the score flip-flopped and things came down to the wire.\nCNN wasn't an unbiased news organization, it was the referee. And this ref made bad calls. \nWhen CNN announced that -- oops -- it made a mistake when it predicted that Gore had won Florida, the Gore fan yelled one unprintable word that sounds a lot like "duck" three times.\nCNN covered its mistake by showing elated Bush supporters. The message was clear: Bush had been against the ropes, but he was fighting back. Now, it was rally time.\nWhen I asked the Bush supporter on my floor for a comment, he just erupted into maniacal laughter, yelling, "MUWAHAHAH!"\nBut even he conceded that Gore would probably win. Then Gore won New Mexico. Was this the beginning of the Gore comeback?\nThe tension mounted as we waited for the next polls to close.\nThe Gore supporter told me he was tempted to kill the Bush supporter. My neighbor said, "I can't believe it's this close of a race. What are you guys (the voters), mental?"\nThen Gore jumped ahead.\nThe Bush supporter scoffed, "I'm sure the forces of darkness (Bush) will win out."\nLikewise, the Gore supporter told me that without Florida, Gore might attain a maximum of only 248 electoral votes.\nIt seemed he was right, because soon afterward Bush won Colorado. It was all going to come down to Florida. It got so intense that I subconsciously tweaked my nipples.\nIt's a minor compulsion.\nFearing a Bush victory, my Gore-supporting neighbor proclaimed, "America has decided that common sense doesn't work so we're going to screw ourselves in all three orifices: The House, the Senate and the Presidency ... and later tear us a new one with the Supreme Court."\nLike any good sporting event, the fans found creative ways to support their team. The Bush supporter bowed in front of my TV and summoned the forces of evil to his cause, while the Gore supporter did a ritual on my floor to stop Bush. He named a quarter "G.W. Bush" and sank it into a cup of water to create a chaotic effect.\nHe might have inadvertently killed someone named G.W. Bush.\nWhen Bush won Arizona, he began to apply "The Turkey Curse" to a picture of Bush. When Bush won Alaska, he started yelling "gobble, gobble, gobble" and hitting his head against my door.\nAnd somewhere, a child was crying.\nBut the excitement ended as things ground to a halt around midnight. By 1:30 a.m., our nerves were rubbed raw, and CNN was just killing time. CNN had hyped the score so much that it had no idea what to do when the race deadlocked. Without a score to call, the coverage was more boring than a Quaker hockey match.\nIt was more of a slap in the face than when William Shatner told his fans to "get a life"