Foundational logic

Most of the funding programs of the federal government aimed at HIV services, prevention, education and financial support for people with HIV have a basic fundamental goal: stability.\nA stable social situation with regards to transmission rates, a stable factual message about risks, a stable home to go to when you feel too sick to work: It's hard enough to take pills, maintain one's social connections, and make plans for the future with a home, and nearly impossible without one. \nI came to my HIV life with some stability built in -- I could afford my rent, I was working, I was covered by medical insurance. I didn't have to think too much about stability, and when I did, it was in comparison to someone who had it far worse than I did in his or her HIV life. \nI've been thankful to God, but in retrospect, probably not enough. \nMy decidedly unrobust analysis invaded my consciousness recently, triggered by my fourth anniversary with Chuck. Our story is very simple: Boy meets boy, boy falls for boy, boys have commitment ceremony, one boy is diagnosed HIV positive, boys get dog. \nIt could be said it has played out like that, but all those delicious details would then be left by the wayside. The torrid fights (we've had, I think, three), the pissy moments, the unexpected laughs and the almost frightening conformity of opinion we possess. \nI opened my e-mail this morning, and had a message from Chuck. These are a feature of my e-mail queue Monday through Friday. They are brief, and they usually say he loves me, is thrilled to find me in bed each morning and can't wait to see me after work. They have x's and o's. \nMy stability in the early days after diagnosis had nothing to do with the government and everything to do with him. We had our commitment ceremony a bit more than a month before I was diagnosed. We had our first date a year before, Nov. 4, 1996. \nWe've all heard the stories of people who are diagnosed positive, who lose their lovers, married partners, family, friends or all of them. I couldn't imagine it.\nI never feared what my parents would do, or my siblings. It was difficult to imagine what Charles would do.\nAnd that's no slight on him -- everyone who knows Chuck sees he is rock solid; abstemious about flights of fancy, he projects a considered and introspective stance. This is not a man who freaks (and I might interject here that it is considerate of him, as I do enough for both of us). \nIn the early days, hidden in my body, there was a substance, odorless, colorless, tasteless, but as lethal as a plastic explosive. It was a Houdini trick, a barrel over the Niagara Falls, but the problem was, I was not Houdini. I was not brave: I was Mark A. Price, and I was scared out of my wits. \nI saw all promise sliding away, but not dramatically. I felt I would see it go piece by piece, a job here, a friend there, a future next -- then, they would be permanently out of reach. I saw for myself a living death, and worse yet, a slow one. \nToday, opening my e-mail queue, 1,000 and some odd days later, 100,000 conceptual years away from ground zero, another message from Charles -- punctual, as always. We have learned so much together that we have learned to have faith in one another. \nI would have liked to achieve this happiness without HIV, and I know he would too. But having no other basis for explaining it, I'd like to believe we achieved it in spite of HIV. \nIn spite of every attempt I made to differentiate myself, there was Charles reminding me I was still the same guy. In spite of every attempt I made to blame HIV for everything, Charles reminded me I was still in charge of my life, still my own decision-maker. \nMy anniversary gift to Charles this year is a wish I have for you -- that you will find love at the same time it finds you -- that you will be able to accept it, and know wholeheartedly that you are worth attracting it. \nIt is my soppy, romantic side that wants this, an ever-increasing part of my character. I feel its blob tendencies starting to dull my hard edges. \nIt is my damnable belief that love is the answer to too much to be spoken of so little, with so little seriousness. \nI call this idea foundational logic. It is the idea that you create your reality, you control your destiny, you work for your luck -- and love is the alchemy that affects its combination. Stable is a word that describes a good foundation -- to me, a good foundation is made of love. \nIt's been a long time since I thought the answer to preventing the spread of HIV was made of latex, or that it could be contained in laws or policy statements. I see it in moments between people who care for one another, all too ephemeral for me to teach; there is no "Mark's 10 steps to being HIV free."\nContrary to what you might expect, the best foundations for the strongest homes are portable across the boundaries of geography and time. Thank you for another year of simple answers, Chuck -- let's show them how it's done.