Holy Gazongas

Breasts!\nIf this columnist had to sum up David E. Kelley's new dramedy "Boston Public" (8 p.m. Monday, Fox) in one word, it would be "Breasts!"\nNot that you actually see any. This is Fox, after all. But David E. Kelley's bosom fetish shows no bounds in "Boston Public." They're like oranges in "The Godfather" trilogy: They're always around when something bad happens.\nBare-breasted teenage girls make the school's principal put an ice pack on his forehead when they rise up against one misogynistic teacher who insists that they always wear underwear. When Mr. Lipschultz (Fyvush Finkel), a history teacher, urges his female students to "wear a bra for the sake of the country," the school's entire female student population rises up. They unhook their banners of bondage and drape them over lockers for the world to see.\nUtopia?\nBreasts also haunt Harry Senate (Nicky Katt), a teacher who says the female revolutionaries are "all a bunch of communist sluts." Maybe he's bitter because he has an inappropriate relationship with the student at the center of the uprising, Dana Poole (Sarah Thompson).\nOh yes.\nIt turns out that one day after school she put her two mammoth mammary glands in his face, and he kissed her.\nThis is bad news for him. Not like the incident in the series premiere where he fired a 9mm pistol in a room full of students. Oh no. This could cost him his job.\n"It's nice that in the days of guns in school, a show tackles the hard issue of 'breasts' ... or soft, I guess, as the case may be," says one person with whom I talked, whom I shall refer to as Deep Throat.\nDeep Throat brings up an interesting point: On this show, breasts are more dangerous than bullets. Principal Steven Harper (Chi McBride) defends Harry's shooting spree, saying that he's an over-zealous teacher. But if he ever found out that Harry succumbed to the allure of Dana Poole's bosom, he would be out the door.\nIt reminds me of when General Patton ordered a suicidal amphibious landing in Sicily for personal reasons and then was relieved of command for slapping a soldier!\nWhat does it mean? Women are evil, according to David E. Kelley. I kid you not, I think Kelley wants to create the anti-"Ally McBeal" with "Boston Public," which blurs the differences between "quirky" female characters like Meg Ryan and the femme fatales like Sharon Stone.\nEvery woman on "Boston Public" is obdurate at best and sinister or nuts at worst. Dana Poole is certainly more evil than Ayn Rand. She ends up blackmailing Harry to get her off the hook when she gets into trouble over a drug test. And Principal Harper's archnemesis is the superintendent, whom everyone calls "the dragon lady." Suffice it to say, she's like Darth Vader on estrogen.\nDeep Throat echoes the show's sentiment when he says, "Ever since the Garden of Eden, women have been f**king (men) over."\nI think a lot of male producers feel like Deep Throat, because we're witnessing an "Ally McBeal"/ "Sex in the City" backlash. Just look at the remake of "Charlie's Angels," whose female characters aren't exactly "three-dimensional;" they're scantily clad vixens who give male audience members an opportunity to whack off.\nBut who needs a reason to whack off? We just need stop lights.