Pornography is fun for all

In light of the debacle that was my article last week, I will never write anything serious again. I wrote about a world issue. The problem is nobody around here cares about anything besides sex, drugs and where to find more sex and drugs. I can't say I blame them. So here's a column for my four remaining fans.\nRecently I was sent on a "field trip" for my human sexuality class. I chose a trip to the local video store to rent a pornographic film. This was the best field trip for me because: 1) It gave me an excuse to see naked women, and 2) It was the only option that included naked women besides the strip club, where I would have maxed out the cash advance limit on my Visa (and I didn't think they'd want me stuffing personal checks down the dancers' g-strings). \nI made my roommate "Gertrude" come with me to the video store to rent the naughty tape. Like all girls, she is dirty at heart. But that doesn't mean she is willing to be seen renting a dirty movie. \nI tried to calm her nerves by proclaiming, "Woman, we're not renting 'Shaving Ryan's Privates' again!" \nAfter the good employees at the video store pulled her off of me and I stopped bleeding, we settled on a "soft-core" porn -- "Erotic Confessions." In these flicks, the cameraman is not allowed to get up close and personal with the actors' genitals. I think this is a good thing -- most of their "equipment" has probably been abused quite a bit. \nThe acting wasn't Oscar-caliber, but the actors seemed to be having a good time. The women were attractive, which was surprising; most of the porn stars I've seen look like they've been hit repeatedly with a bag of nickels. I guess they have a hard time getting the pretty ladies to be filmed having anal sex with caribou.\nThe male actors were not cool, which made me angry. "Why do these freaks of nature get to make sweet love to all these beautiful ladies?" I thought. And then one male actor seemed to answer my question without even speaking. As he was having his way with the district attorney, his eyes twinkled and he smiled at the camera, as if to say, "Hey kid, don't hate the player -- hate the game." Words of wisdom, no doubt.\nAlthough I'd never rented an adult film, I might have seen one or two in my day (my neighbor had the Playboy Channel). And I believe these films might have a place in our society.\nWhen you date someone, it is usually hoped the dates will eventually end in sex. But dating can get expensive, especially if one is holding out for sex. Sometimes the sex happens, and other times you're left with "clogged pipes" and an empty bank account. In the latter situation, the $3 it would have cost to rent the movie and quench the need for boobies is considerably less than the hundreds you dropped on some broad who just realized she's still in love with her ex. At some point you have to look at the bottom line.\nWith dating comes the possibility of romance, cuddling and insanity. I'm a romantic and I love cuddling, but I'm not a big fan of the way my brain clicks "off" like a light every time a woman I like touches me. I'm not saying you should run out and snatch up every dirty movie you can find. Nor am I saying you should avoid commitment with the opposite sex. We need each other. But pornography does have its place in this world (with the possible exception of midget porn). So let's all watch porn together!