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Sunday, Nov. 17
The Indiana Daily Student

A guide to resolutions

making resolutions for the New Year is starting to look like trying to elect someone president: They're both a waste of time.\nI don't really know anyone who has followed through with his or her promises, and that's sort of strange when you think about it. After all, they are making promises to themselves.\nBut don't worry. I have come up with an almost foolproof plan for making resolutions. All you need are some low expectations for yourself and a creative mind.\nI have implemented a similar plan whenever I toss some change in a wishing well. I no longer wish for the instant healing power of Mr. Miyagi; I wish for a sandwich. I figured I wanted to get my wish more often. And I usually do, unless I'm low on bread.\nSo if you're having trouble keeping your resolutions, just pull one from the "Michael Moy list of low-stress resolutions." These 25 resolutions vary in difficulty and are in no particular order. Proceed with both caution and a grain of salt.\n1. Take more pictures of your friends. (Resolution made more difficult if you accomplish this with a stranger's camera.)\n2. Wear a headband to the gym on the odd-numbered days of the week.\n3. Never pick up change if it's "heads-down."\n4. Wear all your baseball caps backwards.\n5. Never spray contact disinfectant directly into your eye. (Not as easy as it sounds.)\n6. Quote "Swingers" on a daily basis.\n7. Take pride in hitting a bad shot on a golf course. (Easy if you've never played golf.)\n8. Always hide your cookies.\n9. Burn the top of your mouth whenever you eat pizza.\n10. Never bet on a game of billiards with a guy who has a state or a catchy word in his name. (Examples: Minnesota Fats, Fast Eddie, Slick Willie.)\n11. Throw a ball in the house.\n12. Imagine the "Darth Vader theme" plays whenever you enter a room. (Resolution made more difficult if you actually belt out the theme when you enter a room.)\n13. Eat Pez.\n14. Write a weekly column nobody has any desire to read in a local student newspaper. (Looks like I'm set for 2001.)\n15. Watch Anne Murray do really bad renditions of good songs at 2 a.m. (This becomes a legitimate resolution if you order the CD and listen to it. I have yet to meet someone who is this committed to keeping a New Year's resolution.)\n16. Make fun of your friends every time they do something stupid. (See number five.)\n17. Laugh every time your dog bites on the "fake throw."\n18. Root for the Cubs no matter what their record is. (Easier to do during the months between November and April.) \n19. Say words exactly how they are spelled. (Fun words to try: rendezvous, faux paux.)\n20. Procrastinate and put off making any resolutions. (Can be accomplished with a ton of effort or no effort at all.)\n21. Fly wingman at least once for one of your friends.\n22. Always forget to give people their pens back after you borrow them.\n23. See a really bad movie. \n24. Put the orange juice container back in the refrigerator even though you know the amount in it won't add up to a sip.\n25. Look both ways before crossing the street.\nThat last one is almost foolproof, but if you're still not too thrilled about committing to anything, don't sweat it too much. There's always next year.

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