Holiday madness

es, I'm a Jew … and yes, this means I don't believe in Jesus … yes, I'm going to hell. To tell the truth, I'm glad because, man, Christmas is freaking expensive! I don't know if everyone realizes this, but it's true. And I haven't even gone shopping yet. So far, I haven't had Christmas this year, and as it looks now, I'm going to have to stick with just Hannukkah … or is that Channuka?\n Speaking of the festival of lights, I must explain a few things our dear friend Mr. Sandler left of out of the famous song. This holiday is in effect a celebration of two miracles: the miracle of the Jewish people's defeat of the Syrian king Antiochus with limited forces, and the miracle of one day's worth of oil lasting for eight days, so new oil could be made.\nThese miracles are what the rabbis have explained are the reasons for celebrating this holiday -- to show God's faith in the chosen people in a time of strife. What is it with Jews and strife?\nBut in the book of Macabees, an apocryphal book and not part of the Tanach (Torah or Bible, Prophets and Chronicles), there is no mention of these miracles. It is interesting to think miracles of such importance wouldn't make it into the actual accounts themselves …\nAnyway, the holiday is not a major holiday like Rosh ha Shannah or Yom Kippur, nor does it fall during Christmas -- well, this year it does, but normally it doesn't. In fact, this is one of the more minor holidays; it consists of lighting candles each night for eight nights, adding one new candle per night as well as eating fatty fried food (to symbolize the oil once again). What is it with Jews and oil?\nWe also play with dreidels, which are also not made out of clay -- in fact the two I have are made of plastic and wood and cost $0.50 at your local Jewish boutique. The dreidel game is a gambling game; depending on the letter the dreidel falls on, one wins or loses money. What is it with Jews and money?\nI can see the appeal of Christmas. I mean, madrigal dinners ($32), the "Nutcracker" ballet ($20), holiday parties ($3 a cup), fruitcake ($5), turkey ($25) because ham isn't kosher, a Christmas tree ($75) because I "threw" my Channaka bush away, marijuanika ($50) -- oops -- and of course the mistletoe ($5). I just had an awesome Christmas for only $165, but I still haven't bought a gift for anybody!\nTo make this holiday season merry, I better get the cash hook up from Khannukka Harry. But, will it really be all that merry anyway? I mean, every time I tell someone Merry Christmas, they look at me with horror of what to say back because I don't celebrate Christmas! So, often I'll get "You have a good Hannika" or "You too!" but never back do I hear "Merry Christmas!"\nI can understand the confusion because Christmas is one of the most important Christian holidays. I know this because I see mass on Christmas eve on television every year. And I already had my Happy New Year (Rosh ha Shanna), so, technically, I don't get that, either. \nI don't know about all of the readers out there, but so far my holiday season looks pretty dismal. I'll probably spend most of it down in old B-town working at Penn Station, drinking White Russians … bowling.\nI suppose what I'm trying to say is, please enjoy the break and I hope we've all learned something this semester. And use a little bit of sechel every now and then. Do you have any Kahlua?