It's the music that matters

CHICAGO -- For a band that has been the soundtrack to a better part of my life since late 1993, I was looking forward to the final performance of The Smashing Pumpkins Saturday with a mix of anxiety and apprehension.\nI'd seen them in the Metro the previous December, in a preview performance for the upcoming release Machina/the Machines of God. I had a bit more of an idea of what to expect from that show, for I had been lucky enough to be invited into the studio that October with a group of fans to hear the nearly-finished album -- before the record label, before the public. From that point on, the past year had led me on an unforgettable journey. \nI was given complimentary tickets and backstage passes to the two "Sacred and Profane" shows I saw last spring, and would have had more waiting at any other show I chose to attend. Friends of mine were invited into sound checks and after-parties at shows around the world, and one friend was even given tapes from Billy Corgan himself to distribute. I took over a section on a fan collaborative Web site, www.spfc.org, rewriting a chronology on the band's history. And when The Pumpkins' final album Machina II/the Friends and Enemies of Modern Music, was pressed to 25 vinyl copies with the intent to be converted into MP3s, I knew three of the people who received original copies. \nBut all of these things, while amazing, were slowly taking the focus away from what was important to me: the music. Listening to Gish on my drive up to Chicago Friday afternoon, I was reminded of the raw, pure emotions as they came cascading from the speakers. Every album The Pumpkins have released is rife with emotional flavors, and that is the constant that has kept my devotion to the band intact. Loud or soft, angst or introspection, the one thing the music has never lacked was passion.\nAfter waiting in line for 14 hours to buy my tickets, I knew that all I wanted out of the final show was the same emotional connection I'd felt the very first time I saw the band at Market Square Arena in June 1996. Sure, I might have been able to get on the list and get aftershow passes -- many of my friends did. But I wanted to go out the way I came in.\nThe show itself gave me memories that are sure to be with me for a long time. Songs that had once been rote to me like "Bullet with Butterfly Wings" hit me with a newfound energy, and every song felt more heartfelt than the last. It might not have been their best show musically, but from the first drop of sweat to the last tear running down a cheek, there was nothing but the passion and power of 12 years put into the show. \nAnd at the end, as the band said goodbye for a final time. Guitarist James Iha giving a quick wave and rushing offstage, drummer Jimmy Chamberlin blowing kisses and tossing drum sticks, even getting one stuck in the ceiling, and Melissa Auf der Maur, temporary in role but just as important to this final incarnation, saying farewell. Until only head Pumpkin Billy Corgan was left on the stage, showered in adulation from the 1,100 capacity crowd.\n"God bless you, and God bless The Smashing Pumpkins," he said. \nAnd as a chant of "Thank you" began to echo around the club, Corgan hid his head in his hands and quickly dropped to his knees, overcome with the emotion of the moment. He stood and turned to the crowd for one quick final wave, tears streaming down his cheeks, before walking off into the heartfelt embrace of his crew. It's a moment I'll never forget, and it reaffirmed everything I loved about this band -- that the music is full of heart, full of soul. \nI've made a lot of friends through The Smashing Pumpkins' music, and even found love, and these are the things that will stay with me after the final notes from Saturday, the things that will continue to be of importance in my life.\nBut as Corgan said toward the end of the show, "Sorting through the ashes of the Smashing Pumpkins, there's a lot of beautiful stuff there, and that's the most important thing."\nGod bless The Smashing Pumpkins.