Put me in, coach!

Not too long ago, I was watching an IU football game when the announcers began to banter about the possibility of junior quarterback Antwaan Randle El suiting up again to play basketball for the Hoosiers this winter. \nWhile Randle El is a spectacular athlete, I do not believe he is the man the team needs to fill its 12th roster spot. The fact of the matter is, the man they should really be looking for to fill that 12th jersey is, me.\nSome folks might be rather quizzical about my odds of making an impact on the squad. After all, if you look up the term "uncoordinated, gangly, slow, goofy, awkward guy" in the dictionary, you would probably find my picture. \nBut a quick look at my career, uh, highlights, should be enough to convince the coaching staff to put me on the roster without even having to try out.\nTo truly analyze my career, you must first go back to my eighth grade season. It was a record-breaking one, as I scored a mind-numbing total of zero points for the entire season. As far as I know, I was the only person in our entire eight-team conference not to score a single point all year. \nNaturally, the fact that I was the third-string center and averaged 41 seconds per game did not help my record. But, I have always believed my coach saw my true talent, and wanted to save my career from being cut short by a devastating injury.\nIn the eyes of many experts, eighth grade was the pinnacle of my career. And while my statistics may have been a bit weak, I did bring innovation to the game that year in the form of the sky-hook three. I would stand at the top of the key and unleash a hook shot from three-point range. \nMy coach had faith in the shot. With 21 seconds left in our final game, our team trailing by 18 points, he called time-out and drew up a play that had me grab the ball and take the sky-hook three in my final attempt for points on the season. \nThe ball was inbounded to me at the top of the key. I dribbled twice, and then released the sky-hook. My defender's jaw dropped further down than if he had seen Elvis driving an ice cream truck. The crowd watched silently as the ball flew majestically through the air. \nBut the magic moment was ruined when the ball hit the top of the backboard, careened through the wires behind the backboard, and fell to the ground out of bounds. At this, the entire crowd burst into laughter, including everyone on the bench for my team.\nAn incident like this surely would have broken the will of a lesser man. But it did not faze me, and I declared my eligibility for the NBA Draft after graduating eighth grade. Unfortunately, I did not receive the phone call I anticipated from the Denver Nuggets, so I decided to continue my education and move on to high school.\nOf course, I sought to continue my successful playing career at the high school level. But much to my chagrin, I was unable to see eye to eye with the coaching staff. According to them, I was "cut" from the team because of lack of talent. \nThe truth of the matter is that the coach did not like the controversial image I brought to the team by wearing goggles and a Barq's Root Beer rub-on tattoo, and I was run out of training camp.\nAt this point, I became disenfranchised with the organized game. I remained dedicated, though, and I eventually became king of the area playgrounds, dominating the vast majority of my fifth-grade opponents. \nThis experience gave me the confidence necessary to try out for the 1998-99 Chicago Bulls. While I did not make the team, or even gain entrance onto the practice floor, I did pick up a wealth of invaluable basketball knowledge that can only come from watching true legends such as Dickey Simpkins, Rusty LaRue, Priest Lauderdale, and Bubba Wells play the game.\nThis past summer also proved to be very beneficial for me as I played several one-on-one games against Kobe, and I even managed to beat him a couple of times. (The editors would like me to point out that in this case "Kobe" is the nickname for my friend, foreign exchange student Yuomuri Tanaka, who hails from Kobe, Japan.)\nThough these highlights are admittedly quite impressive, they do not represent the only reasons that I should be a Hoosier basketball player. I am also willing to sacrifice my body for the team. I would be willing to hit the floor to grab a loose ball. (Even if it were only a result of me tripping over my own feet.) \nAnd if the team is on the bubble for receiving a NCAA Tournament bid, I would be willing to do something outlandish like grow a mullet and a handlebar mustache, just because I can't see the Tournament committee turning away from the instant publicity that a player with a mullet and a handlebar mustache would garner.\nOne thing is clear: you will probably be seeing me at the end of the bench at Assembly Hall this year. Right after you see Elvis drive by in an ice cream truck.