Your finals are worthless

As college students, some of us spend the majority of our time under the influence of alcohol and/or drugs. Sometimes, when we are sober and bored, we attend classes.\nNow that these classes are coming to an end, our graduate students (I'm not sure they employ professors here) feel the need to measure how much we've learned by giving us final exams -- and I have a big problem with this standard of measurement.\nI know what you're thinking -- he's probably just an idiot who can't pass his finals, which is why he despises them. But you'd be wrong. I am an idiot who can pass his finals and sometimes even gets a "B." \nNow that I've proven myself a serious student and given myself credibility to speak on the subject, I shall continue my tirade.\nHow many of you remember what you ate for dinner last night? How about last week? You don't have a clue, do you? Most of us struggle to remember life's unimportant details, such as the population of Tajikistan, the year rocks were invented or if we put underwear on this morning.\nWho knows why we can't retain more information? Maybe it has something to do with the layer of malted hops and barley covering some of our brains? \nTeachers cheat us by asking us to memorize trivial facts they know we won't remember two weeks later. Yet this is exactly what most of us will be asked to do next week. It is the easiest way for teachers to demonstrate to the administration that we've learned something. Several days later we've forgotten everything except how to tie our shoes -- and I'm just waiting for the day that slips my mind. After the Scantrons are scored, the professors go back to publishing and the graduate students go back to their classes. It is one big crock under the disguise of higher learning.\nSo what's the point? Is the whole point of college (besides panty raids) to show potential employers we are capable of memorizing vast quantities of useless information? If it is, we could probably save a lot of time and money by giving high school seniors a thick book of facts to memorize for a college-exemption exam.\nI should really win an award or two for my original ideas.\nI guarantee the pressure of final exams has taken several years off of your life. \nTake, for example, the story of "Phil." Phil was the president of a fraternity -- a position that required nerves of steel, mostly because he was responsible for a house full of Ted Kennedys. On the morning of his Italian final, Phil became so unglued, so stressed out, that (I am not making this up) he actually pooped his pants right in front of Ballantine Hall ... five minutes before the exam started. Oops. \nBut Phil took that exam, because he knew his grade would be destroyed if he didn't. Is our system of assessment so flawed that a man must sit through a two-hour exam in poop-lined jeans to prove he has learned the material?\nOf course it is. \nSo I say we must do away with finals. I've learned a thing or two in my education methodology courses (literally). One of them is that memorization is only a small part of learning. The other has to do with making origami swans. But I truly believe most of us learn best by actually doing, not listening and repeating. In the context of University-level courses, this means more writing and projects throughout the semester. Both research and writing involve a deeper level of thinking and force the student to clarify his thoughts. Even if the student forgets most of the course content, at least he will be left with a heightened ability to think clearly -- and this will serve him far better than the capacity to memorize.\nSure, your finals might mean something to your parents, teachers and future employers. They want an easy way to categorize you as smart, halfway smart or just plain ignorant. It is yet another instance of The Man trying to bring you down.\nDo well on your finals; dance for the man if you must. But be aware that your finals are worthless in the long run.\nOr, at least use this as an argument when your parents ask why you flunked all your tests.\nGood luck, people.