After reading news reports of his first week in office, I feel the need to warn President George W. Bush of a conspiracy threatening to taint his infant presidency.\nThis conspiracy concerns the "smart" people Dubya has surrounded himself with to allay the fear of the general populace that he might do something stupid, like selling Manhattan back to the Indians for a bunch of shiny beads.\n These people seem to be steering Dubya on a collision course with the glory days of their trust-funded youth, the 1950s.\nAs a true American, I take it upon myself to expose this conspiracy by pointing out to Dubya how his decisions thus far relate to that misbegotten era.
Segregation\nI could start with the disenfranchisement of the black voters in Florida during the election, but Fla. Gov. Jeb Bush had more to do with that than Dubya. So, I will start with the nomination of my main man, John Ashcroft, for attorney general. In an interview with Southern Partisan, a magazine that glorifies the Confederacy, he lamented the lack of respect we citizens give to our Confederate war heroes.\nAshcroft also accepted an honorary degree from Bob Jones University, "thank(ing) God for this institution," which at that time banned interracial dating, according to the Washington Post.\nDubya also nominated New Jersey Gov. Christie Todd-Whitman as head of the Environmental Protection Agency. During her tenure as governor, her attorney general admitted to the systematic use of racial profiling by that state's police. According to the New York Times, Whitman also publicly frisked an innocent black man during a police drug sweep in 1996.\nIn an effort not to exclude the children, Dubya endorses the school voucher system, which provides a government subsidy for moving the white kids from the decrepit public school system to private and religious schools where they belong.\nThis plan is a lot simpler than using that money for recruiting good teachers and giving performance-based raises to the ones we have.\nThis trend of targeting minorities comes just in time for the growing influx of Latinos into the United States. Not only are these people darker skinned, they don't even speak American! They could be talking about sleeping with white women right in front of you, and you wouldn't even know it!
Back-alley abortions\nOn Dubya's first Monday in office, the 28th anniversary of Roe v. Wade, he issued an executive order to withhold federal funds from international family planning groups that offer abortions, perform abortion counseling or lobby for abortion rights.\nOf course, the man charged with upholding the law if nominated, Ashcroft, is a staunch opponent of abortion rights.\nThis is good news to doctors who lost their license to practice and want to keep making payments on the Mercedes or anyone who wants to streamline the adoption process by Dumpster-diving for babies behind his or her local high school.
Gas-guzzling cars\nTo make sure we remain comfortable in our SUVs, which get about the same gas mileage as a 1957 Ford Thunderbird, Dubya has taken steps to ensure a cheap supply of oil. \nAs reported by USA Today, the draft of Bush's energy legislation calls for fast-track drilling in the Arctic National Wildlife Refuge.\nIt seems the environment should be a secondary concern to our convenience. After all, a grizzly bear can't push a Cadillac Escalade 65 mph down the interstate.
Missile Defense\nDubya is a proponent of the "Star Wars" missile defense system, which will put magical lasers in the hands of 19-year-old high school graduates who will shoot down the thousands of nuclear missiles streaming toward us from the Evil Empire.\nIn response, Russia plans to double its defense budget to 5 percent of its gross domestic product for the next 10 years to ensure that its missiles will be able to penetrate any U.S. system, according to www.strana.ru, which is run by a political adviser to Russian President Vladimir Putin.\nOn the bright side, this situation could help the weakening U.S. economy by resurrecting the bomb shelter construction business. \nIt is my deepest hope that you read this, Mr. President, and see what those around you are up to. We need a president for the new millennium, not the last.\nAs for the rest of us, who aren't rich, white or male, get used to being screwed.
