Minus writers, Chandler is only as funny as his face

It's desperate times when even television writers can't make ends meet. Writing is getting crumpled and tossed to the can of insignificance. (That is not a cue to dispose of this newspaper.) \nMany gaped when N.Y. Sen. Hillary Rodham Clinton's publishers offered her $8 million up front for her book, requiring 1.5 million copies to sell for the publisher to break even.\nUnless you're writing about Harry Potter and see a movie deal on the horizon, chances are that publishing costs will eat up profits before the ink even dries. That's why smart writers hole up in television land, giving the likes of David Schwimmer and Jennifer Aniston snappy comebacks and touching moments.\nWriting for television seemed to be a perfect sanctuary, protected by its wedding to moving images capable of setting hairstyle trends across America. But television writers are feeling the pinch.\nIf you think plots and characters are fluffy now, imagine a world in which all the good writers are replaced by groveling, check-your-dignity-at-the-door neophytes. If you think sitcoms and movies rely too heavily on actors' visual splendor, including cute clothes and tight pecs, think how much weaker the writing could be. When writing talent in Hollywood gets kicked around, we, the consumers, receive the dismal products that come of it.\nTelevision and movie writers find themselves under-appreciated and underpaid. Eleven thousand guild writers have finally had it with directors and studios, to the point that they are contemplating a strike if not granted more "creative rights" and a greater voice in the production process.\nThe Writers' Guild of America is sick of possessory credit for film directors, as in "A film by …," which gives all the credit to directors and little to them.\nThey're also asking for more money -- not the nutty seven-figure amounts that Schwimmer and Matthew Perry demanded, but at least enough to make a decent living. But a writers' strike would cripple movie and television production and throw off fall television seasons as the first fallout for consumers.\nThe guild also wants to update its key residual payment formulas to modern-day figures. Now, writers get 4 cents for every VHS tape or DVD produced, a figure set in the 1980s when videotapes were first introduced and production costs were high. The guild wants an additional 4 cents per tape or DVD. That's not asking for much.\nAnd writers want compensation for reuse of shows and movies on videocassettes and DVDs, and for foreign distribution. With reruns of "Melrose Place" gaining anorexia converts on the island of Samoa, it seems only fair, right?\nStudio executives gripe the guild proposals, if applied to the upcoming actors' and directors' contracts, would cost $2.4 billion in three years. The guild disagrees, saying the three-year cost increase for all the guilds would total $725 million. A writers' strike could cost Hollywood and related businesses $457 million in one week!\nGive the writers what they want, even if you truly believe the actors of "ER" can whip off banter of their own while pretending to operate. Even if you think Kelsey Grammer really uses words like "kismet" and "Berno Maglese" around the house, these writers deserve a raise.\nHollywood stands to lose billions of dollars and faithful viewers, as a similar strike in 1988 did, if it tries to strong-arm the writers and create scabs of the more frightened ones. Hollywood should comply with writers' demands, for the sake of avoiding potential disasters, but out of a sense of justice for thousands of creative people.\nMurmurs of corporate orders to encourage "stockpiling" scripts prompted John Wells, guild president and the executive producer/writer of NBC's "The West Wing," "ER" and "Third Watch," to write to guild members last week urging them to resist.\nIt's easy to blame script-less "reality" TV shows for marital flippancy, shameful carnal fascinations, numbness to reality and now the new one: the devaluing of the written word and ultimately the creative process. \nBut actually, "reality TV" is linked to a chilly breeze felt by television script writers. NBC, CBS, ABC and Fox have a loaded arsenal of reality shows for this year and next, and writers fear it will lead to a famine of prime-time job opportunities. Sure, reality shows won't last, but in the meantime, the brain power required to enjoy television could take a horrendous dip. The lowest common denominator we affectionately deride might now plunge lower.\nAnd if that happens, we'll all have to turn off the television and pick up a book.