Six degrees of making out

You've all heard of "six degrees of separation," right? You know, it's that theory about how we're all only six acquaintances away from anybody on earth…or maybe it's in America. Who knows? Anyway, I've got a new proposal for y'all. It's called "six degrees of making out," or SDMO.\nSDMO is not about whom you know. Rather, it's about whom you've made out with -- in the tonsil hockey sense of the term. Most of us in college, and especially the really good-looking kids like you and me, have had our share of amorous moments with the opposite sex. Some have been mere pecks while others have been sloppy, slobbery exchanges involving pints of saliva. \nFor our purposes, a kiss is a kiss -- the exception being a kiss on the cheek, which is considered harmless in most circles. It is primarily practiced by women who don't want you to get the wrong idea about their friendship. (Hint for the gentlemen: next time a girl you like attempts to kiss your cheek, turn your head at the very last second so your mouth is positioned exactly where your cheek was supposed to be. The good news is you have about a 50 percent chance of hitting the target. The bad news is that you are left with a 50 percent chance of getting smacked -- or possibly pistol-whipped if she's packing heat. But hey, life is short. Gotta take some chances!)\nMy contention is that, when you take SDMO into consideration, nearly everyone has kissed everyone else. It's a little like that old sex education speech they used to give us about how, "when you sleep with one person, you're sleeping with everyone they've slept with." Only this time it's all relatively harmless because you can't spread many nasty diseases via "a wet one." \nWhen I came up with this theory (about five minutes ago), my intention was not to warn people about the dangers of having indiscriminate passions. But now that I've thought it through, I wish to congratulate all of you on how well you've done for yourselves! \nBut I can see that you still doubt me. Allow me to tickle your thigh with a scenario to prove my point: Bob has just been in lip-lock with Wendy. Earlier that night, Wendy had been with Horace. You see, Wendy gets around, and it is because of people like Wendy that Bob and Horace have equivalently smooched a good number of people. Bob and Horace have kissed everybody that Wendy has ever kissed by the same logic, Bob and Horace have actually kissed each other, now that I think about it. \nAccording to SDMO, if you're a guy you've probably made out with the head of the cheerleading squad, a crack whore, Pamela Anderson Lee and Hillary Clinton. All of this is a stretch of the imagination, I know, but I'm just trying to free your mind; I'm really doing your ignorant butt a favor.\nAnd according to SDMO, if you're a girl you've probably made out with an NBA player, a rock star, Myles Brand and Melissa Etheridge. My lord, you've been busy you sassy, sassy girl. Some of you may find this theory tacky. I agree -- I'm a tacky kind of guy. But you can't deny the sheer genius behind my devious thinking. \nSo next time you're out at a frat party knocking back cheep beer after cheap beer like you're getting paid to do so, be on the lookout for that not-so-ugly stranger who may want to aid you in your quest to achieve "six degrees of making out." But don't look at me, I don't want to deal with your nasty-ass breath.