A return to the 'golden' age

The Golden Girls were famous for clip shows.\nYou remember: Blanche, Dorothy, Rose and Sophia would sit around a cheesecake, sifting through memories. Their editors would splice in scenes from old episodes, and their writers would revel in the luxury of not having to come up with any new ideas.\nI feel like I'm watching a White House clip show. It's called "The Worst Political Moments of the Last 20 Years."\nRemember that tax cut Ronnie passed in the early 1980s? (Cue canned laughter, fade to sky-rocketing budget deficits.)\nAnd then there was the time we got into a war with Iraq! (Cue sighs of nostalgia and Patriot missiles.)\nWhat about that time Bill was investigated by a congressional committee?\nWhich time? (Cue groans and laughter, accompanied by the gavel of Indiana's own Dan Burton.)\nYep. Almost everything that's happened in the last few weeks has happened before. For instance, we're about to have an ill-advised tax cut shoved down our throats. A tax cut that sends around 46 percent of its savings to the richest one percent of the country. Funny, I thought there were poor people to whom we were going to show some of that conservative compassion.\nAnd now we're bombing Iraq. From what I understand, that may not have been the best idea the first time around. Sure, it made for pretty good "reality TV," and we all learned a lot about oil production. But I guess it's not enough to bomb a country into submission once, and then starve its babies. Put another block of Baghdad on the barbie!\nAnd this farcical pardon investigation. President Clinton pardoned a wealthy businessman whose ex-wife gave lots of cash to Clinton's library, and the two facts may or may not be related. Republicans had so much fun for eight years, calling him names and subpoenaing his extended family. Now that they have the power of the presidency back on their side, they want the pleasure of poking at Bill without the pain of his authority. Sorry, fellas. It just looks tacky trying to tar and feather an ex-president.\nWe seem to be stuck in a very morbid clip show. At least the producers of "The Golden Girls" knew enough to pick out the highlights of last season, not the depressing and awkward moments. Likewise, we never had to live through a Bay of Pigs repeat. But now with Dubya, we're back in Iraq. We're cutting too many taxes all at once. And Dan Burton is investigating Bill Clinton. Stop the world, Sophia. I want some cheesecake with my clip show.\nThis just in! President George W. Bush has reinstated ketchup's status as a vegetable. Reagan's team of school lunch experts, once ridiculed for their decision to count the condiment as one of the components of a school's healthy lunch, beamed with pride. One said, "When one of America's most bourgeois food innovations can re-occupy a place in the pantheon of the four food groups, you know happy days are here again."\nAlso in the news, Dick Cheney announced today that the United States will open a White House Office on Illegal Covert Operations. In the proud tradition of Iran Contra and Grenada, Cheney said that the Bush administration intends to honor Ronald Reagan's penchant for secretive arms deals and invasions. Of course, the vice president said, the Republicans will have Bill Clinton to blame for any and all improprieties. \nSpeaking of the ex-president, Mr. Clinton told reporters that he is having trouble explaining why Abraham Lincoln's bed turned up in the Clintons' Chappaqua mansion. Anonymous sources report that campaign contributions to Senator Clinton's political action committee have skyrocketed since her husband started inviting a parade of overnight guests to the Chappaqua residence. The first guest, Denise Rich, arrived the day after the Lincoln bed disappeared.\nAnd in preparing for the mid-term elections, Wyoming unveiled a new system of punch card balloting. The people of Wyoming are happily embracing the new technology, which means that all 16 of them won't have to convene in Casper to cast their votes. No more laying their heads down on desks while the 15 Republicans in the room raise their hands for the only candidate running.\nWyoming Secretary of State, Kathleen Paris, said that the voting method was very simple. "Oh, sure it's easy," Ms. Paris said. "You'd have to be pretty feeble not to punch out the whole chad"