Dear Sexpert,\nI've been dating this guy for a while now, and I know he likes me a lot. The thing is, I have a serious crush on one of his best friends, and I know he feels the same way about me. I've talked to him about the situation before, and we can't decide what to do. Neither of us wants to hurt the guy I'm seeing now, but we really want to start seeing each other. Is there any way to make this work without ruining their friendship and having them both end up hating me?\nBurning the candle at both ends
Dear Burning,\nMy, what a tangled web we weave. If you want my advice -- which I assume you do, since you asked for it -- the first thing you need to do is break up with the guy you're seeing now. It's pretty clear from your letter that you don't really want to be with him, whether or not you end up dating his best friend. You're playing him for a fool. It's completely unfair to keep stringing him along when you already know he likes you a heck of a lot more than you like him.\nAs for the other guy … well, that gets a little more complicated. Ultimately, you can do whatever you want, and I suspect you're going to anyway. All's fair in love and war, right? But I would encourage you to think about this a little more before you make your move. Do you really want to be the person that comes between two best friends? Let's face it: their friendship will probably never be the same if you do go out with the other guy. Do you really want that on your shoulders?\nIf you and this guy really care about each other and really want to be together, he must be willing to risk his friendship with your soon-to-be-ex. He might feel that the best thing he can do is wait for what seems like a respectable amount of time after the breakup, then approach his friend and ask him how he would feel if the two of you started seeing each other.\nOnce you've broken up with the current guy, it's up to the best friend to decide whether it's appropriate for him to pursue a relationship with you. He is, after all, the one with the most at stake, because he's the one who could potentially lose a best friend. He must decide if pursuing a relationship with you is worth the risk of losing someone close to him. Keep in mind that even if you both like each other, there are no guarantees.\nIf you do end up dating the second guy and they do remain friends, that probably means you'll have to run into your ex on a fairly regular basis, not to mention the rest of that same circle of friends. Yes, sometimes people can be adult about breakups and everyone can stay friends and it's no problem. But human emotions are rarely so nice and neat. There could be a lot of unspoken discomfort and animosity that never gets dealt with, and could end up destroying your new relationship. I'm not just talking about your ex, but from his other friends who think of you as the girl who screwed him over (so to speak).\nIt might help you gain perspective if you imagined the situations were reversed. How would you feel if some guy you were crazy about told you he had it bad for your best friend? What amount of time would you deem "respectable" before you allowed your best friend to go out with him? And even if your friendship did survive, would you ever really look at your best friend the same way again?
