Forget the Grammys and get a job

This is not an anti-Grammy column.\nNo, I could tell you that the Grammys suck. I could tell you terrible, terrible performers and recordings win the awards year after year. I could point out all sorts of things, like the soundtrack to "The Bodyguard" actually being voted album of the year. Or the first year there was a best heavy metal performance award, it went to Jethro Tull. I could equate nominating a Christina Aguilera song for an award with recognizing a toothpaste jingle as a significant artistic achievement.\nBut that's kind of pointless because you probably know that already, and if you don't, there's probably not a lot I can do to persuade you otherwise. Maybe 50 years from now, you'll wake up one morning and wonder why your children have stopped coming to visit and realize it could be because you have abhorrent taste. (Note: Questionable musical choices shouldn't actually preclude someone from knowing the warm glow of love. My dad bought the Jennifer Lopez CD, and he's still tops in my book.)\nThe best way I can think of to undo some of the damage hateful institutions like the Grammys have done over the years is to provide some counter-programming. Let's not talk about what sucks, let's talk about what's great. Actually, there are two great records up for album of the year this year: Beck's Midnite Vultures and Radiohead's Kid A. There are some other good acts nominated: Bjork, Joni Mitchell, Patti Smith, R.E.M. … we'll just call those the exceptions that prove the rule. Eiffel 65, an example of bad euro disco, got a nomination too, effectively negating any legitimacy the awards might aspire to.\nYou might ask yourself, what can I do instead of watching the Grammys? How can I expand my mind? Here's what I suggest. First, get a job. Yeah, that's right. You can have your roommate tape "Battlebots." March down to Long John Silver's, and join the workforce. I'm not even sure what night the Grammys are on, but make sure your new manager, Kenny, schedules you to work that night. During the three-hour Grammy telecast, you will be slinging hash, earning the federally mandated minimum wage of $5.15 an hour. $5.15/hour times three hours is $15.45, and after deductions and all that, you will have enough left in your savings account to go to the record store. (See how easy this is?) Okay, the final but crucial step is to buy one of these mega-excellent 2000 releases not recognized by the National Academy of Recording Arts and Sciences:\n1) Yo La Tengo's And Then Nothing Turned Itself Inside-Out. Look back in mellow ecstacy with Ira Kaplan and Georgia Hubley's tales of indie rock's most artistically fruitful marriage.\n2) Primal Scream's XTRMNTR. Rock out to an album too intense for vowels. Groove to the squalls of white-noise guitar and the fat bottom end, courtesy of ex-Stone Rose Mani.\n3) The Fall's The Marshall Suite. For God's sake, if you're not yet acquainted with The Fall, do it now. They've released at least one album every year since 1978; where have you been? Mark E. Smith shouts a lot, and there's lots of catchy guitar riffs and one-finger keyboard lines. Buy it. Buy it buy it buy it buy it.\nAre we in agreement? I know this seems like a lot of trouble to go to just because the Grammys suck, but you'll thank me when you're older. Now get going. \nKenny needs you to close tonight.