Make the most of college

I have a confession to make: I am not ready to leave college. I am the guy in the bar who's had a bit too much to drink and is not ready to leave at closing time. Myles Brand is the bouncer, clumsily trying to shove me in the back of the cab headed for the real world as I'm yelling there's no way I could've had that many drinks. Taverns prohibit people too young to drink; colleges prohibit young people overstaying their welcome and turning into old people. And so, as that one rock group said, "I believe it's time for me to fly." \nBut, before I do, allow me to tell you how to live your life.\nLast semester was the culmination of all my excesses. Unlike Teddy Roosevelt, who spoke softly and carried a big stick, I spoke drunkenly and carried a small course load. I ate too much, drank too much and ran with scissors far, far too often. In short, I was a rock star. \n(As an aside, where do the brain cells lost through "excessive celebration" go, anyway? Does the beer attack them and destroy them, or are they merely washed away like an eroding soil? If they are washed away, do they end up in my urine, and, eventually, the toilet? It would be sad to think I am pissing away my college years, no? If there are any alert readers out there who can answer my query, I would be much obliged.) \nNow I am student teaching. I wake up early every day, fold my hands and pray for snow. It's not that I don't want to teach -- it's more that I don't want to wake up. I hate the fact that school starts so early. The only thing I'm motivated to do at 8 a.m. is smash my alarm clock with a rubber mallet in such a way that will allow me to see all of its inner parts. Maybe I should start a night school for elementary children. As some of my ex-girlfriends could testify, I can go all night.\nI look back on my college career and see good times. In fact, I see college as the highlight reel of most people's lives. Think about it, you can't skip work on the first nice day of spring because your neighbors are throwing a kegger. And you'll never again be this close to this many attractive people at any point in your life. It is a nearly responsibility-free cornucopia of pleasures -- and, unlike when you're a 70-year-old on a cruise ship, you probably don't even need a cane to get around.\nI've met a fair number of IU students who can't wait to leave school. Most of these students came to IU in search of vocational training. They see college as a mere stepping stone on the way to bigger and better things. This is a fine way to view things, but while you're here you might as well make it a great experience. The real world will soon swallow you up and hold you in its mundane belly for a good 40 years before it regurgitates you into some form of retirement. So don't rush things, people! Take off your jackets and stay a while! \nAnd I hate it when people say, "But there's nothing to do here." I shouldn't even bother to respond to these people, but out of common courtesy to the simple-minded I'll list a few items of interest: college sports, art, music, Kirkwood, cheap beer, etc. And if you'd prefer something a bit classier, there's always Night Moves. \nConsider this column fair warning. If I catch you complaining about how college sucks, you're in trouble. Yes, I'm threatening you. Just have a good time and make the most out of college while you're here, will you? Thanks.