Super gems in sea of mediocrity

It's time for my annual review of Super Bowl commercials. Since I know next to nothing about good advertising, I asked my promotion and marketing professor, Dr. Joe Buchman, what makes a commercial effective.\nWhat he e-mailed me was informative, but the only part I wanted to use was too lewd to quote. So I used my own judgment to determine that for every good commercial, there were 15 that were so run-of-the-mill that I won't even classify them as Super Bowl ads. But the few gems in the sea of kiss-ass CBS promos and relentlessly un-funny Volkswagen commercials deserve mentioning, because they were better than last year's abysmal ads.\nBefore I praise these commercials though, I must blast the majority of ads which were as enjoyable as a getting a root canal from a Nazi scientist. During the pre-game show, there was even a standard McDonalds commercial with the nauseating slogan "We love to see you smile." \nDo you know what would make me smile? Seeing Ronald McDonald getting gored by a 450 pound rhinoceros! That would make me ecstatic!\nBut not all the commercials were so pathetic. I knew the ads were high-priced when I started seeing the plethora of movie teasers, such as the promo for "Tomb Raider" staring Angelina Jolie, the best thing to happen to masturbation since the Victoria's Secret catalog.\nAlas, the other movie trailers were not as invigorating. Case-in-point, one teaser revealed that Steven Segal has a movie coming out in March. Somehow we need to resurrect Steve McQueen from the dead so that he can consign Segal, Jean-Claude Van Damme and Sylvester Stallone to the scrap heap of history!\nBut enough sarcasm. Budweiser offered an amusing tongue in cheek parody of itself, showing several yuppies sitting around, drinking imported beer and asking each other "What are you doing?" as the "WAZUP" guys look on, bewildered by their lameness.\nLater, a ballsy Snickers commercial went one step further. It showed people stomping dolls that say annoying catch-phrases, such as "Don't worry, it happens to lots of guys!" I nearly jumped out of my seat when one person smashed a doll that bellowed WAAAZZZUP!" \nOh yes! When I become the unquestioned Lord and Ruler of the universe, I will outlaw the aforementioned phrase along with SUV's and cell phones -- and if you own an SUV or a cell phone, you will simply be taken to the nearest dungeon and beheaded!\nMoving on, I was surprised to see some dot-com ads, and even more surprised that they weren't annoying. In a tribute to "Planet of the Apes," E-Trade's commercial made light of the demise of dot-coms. It featured a monkey touring the devastated dot-com landscape, crying when he sees the Pets.Com sock puppet in the dirt.\nI don't know what this commercial's message is, but it's always nice for technophobes like me to see new applications for technology die quicker than those Confederate bastards at Little Round Top.\nWhile these few, remarkable commercials aussaged the pain of watching Budweiser's public service announcements and CBS' relentless promotion of "Survivor II," nothing was more enjoyable than seeing the slow, painful death of the New York Giants.\nThis Eagles fan only wishes he were there in the stands to pelt the Giants from the upper decks with garbage and car batteries in true Philadelphia style. \nPayback is a bitch!