Crocodiles make for great reality TV

I need more violence, more blood and gore, more reality on my television. While watching burnt flesh on "Survivor" and 200-pound men hitting each other in the head for 12 three-minute increments, I thirst for more, and so does the American public.\nViewers -- 30.9 million of us (I include myself) -- watched "Survivor" to see someone get rolled by a crocodile. Don't say you didn't think it would be an animal attack. CBS aired teasers all week showing someone splashing in the water, a shot of a croc and a helicopter evacuating a contestant. I heard people talking about it all week.\nBut like you, I was kind of disappointed when we learned the accident only involved some moron falling into a fire. (Here are two tips from a hick for all you future contestants: Always stay upwind when building a fire, and don't spit into the wind.) If someone was eaten by a croc, I was prepared to break out the soapbox and compare a "Survivor" contestant being sacrificed to a reptile on the altar of greed to something about Christians and lions. I was going to write about money being the new God and how we sacrifice more of ourselves to it than any other Supreme Being. The more I think about it, the more I'm displeased with nature at ruining a good column topic. Come on crocodiles, you've teased me enough. Eat one of them, for Christ's sake. How hard is it to sneak up on a bunch of dumb Americans, some of whom can't even keep from burning themselves alive, when they're splashing around in your river and talking to a camera about sex and chocolate?\nThanks to us dumb Americans relaxing in our homes, watching "Survivor" and mumbling to ourselves about sex and chocolate, CBS won its first Thursday without the benefit of the Olympics since 1985. Death and mayhem is just as fun as "Simon & Simon" and "Magnum, P.I."\nDon't say this isn't the way of the world. Millions have paid $49.95 to watch people hit each other in a "controlled" environment. We especially like when psychotics who can barely keep from eating people bring us joy. I'm talking about Mike Tyson and his boys, not Hannibal Lector. We'll only pay around $7 for Lector since it's just a movie -- fake.\nBut now we have the chance to see the epitome of reality television. Timothy McVeigh wants his execution televised, and the entire state of Oklahoma wants to watch it. I say it's just what we need to bring closure to the Oklahoma City bombing. If anyone deserves to die by schedule, it's McVeigh, but lethal injection is so boring.\nI propose we combine reality contests, fighting and executions by throwing him and another death row inmate into the "Pit of Doom" and having them fight to the death with weapons provided by Nike. The winner gets to live another year before having to fight again. To make sure neither combatant wusses out, two cauldrons of boiling oil will be on standby next to the pit if they refuse to fight.\nIn fact, we should apply this scenario to all our executions. No one will ever complain again about how nice and peaceful a convicted murderer's death by lethal injection is compared to the victim when the murderer gets stabbed in the throat with a trident in the pit.\nThe government can charge $49.95 on pay-per-view to anyone who wants to see it. We can use the money to pay for housing the criminals and building more prisons. If the program is really successful (and it surely will be), maybe we could even have a capital gains tax cut.\nLike all television shows, I'm sure the ratings will start to slip after a few years. But I have a contingency plan ready to keep those Nielsen families watching: throw in some crocodiles. It's a proven winner.