Drunken observations from South Padre

I want to bring you hard-hitting columns that make you think. But not badly enough to do research on a relevant and timely issue during my spring break. Instead, you will take what I give you (admittedly not much more than something with which you may wipe your bum) and like it.\nCapiche?\nWhat follows is more or less the truth. It is my account of what happened when I, armed with only a tape recorder duct-taped to my chest, attempted to go inside the minds (and pants) of spring breakers in South Padre Island, Texas.\nDay One: 11:23 p.m.\nI have only been here for two hours and have never seen this many breasts in person without paying for it. This is ridiculous. What amazes me the most is the way the girls here will bare any and all parts of their anatomy for some beads they could've bought in bulk for $3 at Wal-Mart. I wonder if they'd wash my car for some beads. They seem to be more valuable than gold nuggets at this point. \nDay Two: 5 p.m.\nEvidently it's cool again to pee your pants. That's right, some poor hick named Clint just pissed himself. I think he was trying to impress us. \nDay Three: 2:07 p.m.\nI'd love to relate some juicy nuggets of wisdom to you all, but a steady stream of malted hops and barley has washed any that I may have gleaned away. I've compromised my journalistic integrity and I'm paying for it today. The last thing I remember was bonging beer out of a hollowed out bottled water container with some guy they called "Dirty." You see, Dirty earned that name by sleeping with his best friend's mom. Charming, eh? \nDay Three: 7:22 p.m.\nDrunk again. I dropped my tape recorder in the ocean when my friend flashed the Coast Guard from our boat. So now I'm scribbling notes on my arms and forehead when I make a scathing observation. However, judging from the drawings of naked girls on my body, I think it's safe to say I haven't had an original idea in a while. \nDay Four: 11:14 a.m.\nI woke up early this morning to watch the sun rise. Unfortunately, I passed out on the beach, missed the sun rising and had my wallet lifted while I lay there. Not exactly what I'd hoped for. On the upside, I have gained color; it appears as though the right side of my body and face have taken on a dark reddish hue, as that was the side facing the sun when I fell asleep this morning. I look like a strawberry-vanilla swirl ice cream cone. Chicks dig this look, right?\nDay Five: 4:20 p.m.\nWe took a day trip into Mexico this afternoon. The poverty in certain sections of Mexico is just shocking. It's hard not to let this journey into a harsh reality spoil the trip with feelings of melancholy and despair. But it's even harder to resist the cheap tequila down here. And so I indulge in a drink, planning to save my remarks on a more serious subject for another day. For now, cheers.\nThis was where my notes ended. I bought another cheap tape recorder in Mexico, but it broke within 15 minutes of purchasing it. I guess you get what you pay for, which was, in this case, about $1.50. \nSo what can we say about the annual phenomena that is spring break? We can say that I went from decent person to shallow bastard in less than a week -- a pretty common transformation during spring break week. It's difficult not to judge girls on their appearances when all you see are their boobies all day and all night.\nI was not able to draw a conclusion as to what exactly it is that makes spring breakers tick. This may have had something to do with the fact that I was inebriated the majority of the time down there. But I'm not sure it is a question worth asking. Spring break obviously fulfills somesort of primal urge to see nakedness and drink like champions. Enough said. But I do want to leave you with one final thought -- wouldn't it be nice if school were one week long and spring break 55 weeks long?