Little 500: The stupidest IU tradition

IU is home to a great deal of tradition. Some of these traditions are of an academic nature, such as a highly regarded business school, or an internationally known music program. Some of our institutions, such as IU Sing and a world-class, binge-drinking greek system, concentrate on the social aspects of college. \nAnd then there is the bad mama of all our traditions -- the Little 500. I'd just like to point out that this last one, the Little 500, is not really that cool.\nYes, I just called the Little 500 a stupid tradition. Want a piece of me? \nSome may consider what I have to say heresy. After all, I'm ridiculing a huge piece of IU's history. It's what we're known for, now that a certain basketball "general" has been excommunicated. So I'll apologize in advance to all those I may offend.\nJust kidding! I'm not apologizing to anyone! \nI consider myself highly qualified to speak on this issue because I rode in the Little 500 several years back. Yes sir, I've been on the inside. \nI spent hours every day staring straight ahead, my butt glued to a hemorrhoid-inducing seat, trying to build up my quads and lungs in an effort to be highly competitive in the race. I shaved my legs, practiced my smile and prepared my speech for the post-race victory celebration. It didn't work -- I sucked and our team sucked. We even were beaten by a team with a rider who had a prosthetic leg. \nAnd what do I have to show for this experience? Do I have misty, water-colored memories of a determined team who had to overcome a great deal of adversity? No. I do, however, remember our fans passing out in the stands.\nWere they intoxicated by our dynamic riding style? No. They were just plain intoxicated. But I do still have the pink jersey from the race (how cool is that?) and the highly attractive scars on my knees that were caused by my flying like a rag doll over the handlebars. So yes, I do have some tangible nostalgia to show for my efforts.\nAside from my own piss-poor experience as a participant in the race, I can't say that my experiences as a fan have been much better. Admit it, neither can you. \nOh sure, the first five or six laps may grab our attention. But as the buzz begins to wear off, so, too, does our excitement. It then becomes like a big frat party that's been busted and all we have left to do is watch some bigheaded bicyclists go around and around until the circular motion causes us to become nauseated. Of course, you may see some pretty cool wrecks along the way -- if you can keep your eyes open that long. \nI'm not advocating the complete disembowelment of what's been called, "The World's Greatest College Weekend." (By the way, who coined that term? Was it the students? Or was it the police department? Because the latter could probably feed a small nation using the money they make from ticketing various intoxicated college students during said week.) \nI'm merely stating that the race is mind-numbing and could, therefore, use some improvement. \nMaybe we could have sorority girls in tight outfits cheering for their fraternity pairs. Or perhaps we could make it legal for riders to bump and/or rub each other (not like that, pervert). After all, a little jostling might just give the out-of-shape underdog the extra edge he needs to win. (Okay, so maybe the XFL has had a bit too much influence on a certain columnist.) \nSeriously though, couldn't we at least rope off part of Bloomington and put the race in the streets? Anything to break the tedium that characterizes the race as it exists now. \nI understand that a great many of you out there adore the race and would never want to change anything that might disturb its grand tradition. And that's fine -- just don't ask why when your crumbly old ritual comes crashing down like a fat biker in turn three. \nAnd I won't say I told you so. I'll just smile and laugh, content in the knowledge that I said what others before me, for one reason or another, have not said -- that this is an overly hyped tradition that amounts to nothing more than spandexed men and women on bicycles riding around a gravel oval as drunkards (who are generally unaware there is a race going on) awkwardly grope each other in the stands. \nJust thought I'd call this to your attention.