Memories of an epidemic

This AIDS awareness week was not out of the ordinary. There were the usual talks and conferences that no one seemed to get excited about. A long time has passed since my days of involvement with the issues of AIDS, and I thought it might be interesting to see what was happening. That day proved to be one that stirred old memories and a realization that I had lived through what was called the AIDS epidemic.\n Before coming to this small Midwestern town, AIDS occupied much of my life. At that time it seemed nothing out of the ordinary.\nMy first experience with AIDS was working as a nurse in a downtown homeless shelter. While I was giving a flu shot to a man, he informed me that he was HIV positive. I thanked him for letting me know. When I finished, I realized blood from his injection site was running down my finger. Those were the days before we used rubber gloves. \nI can still picture the sink where I dropped the syringe and quickly washed my hands. I was so shaken that reassurances from my fellow workers didn't calm me. I remember going for the HIV test and waiting a few days for the results. I was planning to get married, and if the test came back positive, my whole world would change. Luckily, it was negative. That scenario is forever etched in my mind -- the room, the syringe, the sink, the man's face, the blood and the shaking in my body. \nLater I worked at an art school as a nurse. The creativity and unconventional lifestyle of the students made work fun. For too many of them, the secret they entrusted me with was that they were HIV positive. They were barely starting their lives and had to deal with ending them. \nMary was one of the students who will always be an important person and memory in my life. Through her, the AIDS epidemic became more than a reality. \nMary just walked into my life one day. She stood at my doorway with a piece of unfinished metal sculpture in her hand. She looked weak and complained of not feeling well. As I tried calling her boyfriend to come get her, she expressed concern that she was HIV positive. She told the story of a past relationship and how her former lover had died of AIDS. She had been tested but never went back to get her results. \nHer worst fears were eventually confirmed. The walls in Mary's apartment were hung with her pictures, many of which reflected the turmoil within her. She gave me a drawing, a pencil sketch of her cat, dedicated to her favorite nurse. It still hangs in my home today.\nMary graduated and went home to Texas to live out her life. We corresponded a few times, and then about two years later her mother called to say Mary had died. I flew to Texas to pay my last respects. On the memorial table were photos of Mary and me together. This final ceremony brought closure. \nMany of the students were involved in AIDS activism, marches, sit-ins and demonstrations but continued promiscuous behavior. The gay pride parade saluted the gay community and focused on AIDS prevention, and the next day a student leader in this fight came into my office to complain of discomfort from his sexual activity. \nSo many of their practices were foreign to me. I would sit, listen and be there for them. There were times I questioned the morality of it all, and then I reminded myself that it was not for me to judge but to understand. The students taught me the difference between responsible relationships and those that abuse and injure. \nI became an activist, championing for students with HIV. I tried to tell the world how they were suffering and what hardships they faced, my main purpose being to show that our college students were being infected and were in need of information and support. I spoke, taught and became involved in a myriad of activities. I was given money to produce a video, and students from different colleges who were HIV positive volunteered to be on the tape. \nI am away from all that now and have settled into a quiet little town where AIDS isn't supposed to happen and homosexuality is a damnation. But to me, AIDS and homosexuality have personal names and faces that serve as a symbol of caring and strength to those who had the fortune to meet them. \nMay all those who were touched remain in our memories forever.