A fond farewell

This will be my last column as a student journalist. It is a sad, sad day. But do not fear, young readers, for some day someone of my stature shall once again grace the pages of the Indiana Daily Student.\nAdmittedly, I had some trouble deciding what to write about today. After all, I've written so many first-rate columns about everything under the sun, what one column could possibly top the sum total of all my past triumphs? It would be a difficult task-- especially difficult because I could not take my eyes off of Snoop Dogg's new video.\nAfter much inner monologue, I decided I would bestow upon the masses a column divulging my formula for success in writing. This way one of you may be able to gather up a few chicken nuggets of wisdom and, eventually, follow in my footsteps.\n(Note: if anyone is interested in becoming my protege, please send $34.95 cash to me and you will receive my nine-minute instructional training video and a do-it-yourself worship kit with a life-sized photo cutout of yours truly. If you are a female, please send a picture of yourself as well.)\nThe writing process begins with a nap. That's right, I get a bit of sleep and then scribble down whatever came to me in my dreams. I then print these preliminary ideas and enter them into my fortune cookie making machine. When the cookies are done, I eat them. The last cookie I eat becomes my topic for the week. You following this so far?\nAfter I've chosen my topic, I usually like to slip into something more comfortable. In most cases, something more comfortable is a cape and furry antlers. These accessories bring out the genius that is so often evident in my honed writing. And occasionally I'll put on my roommate's prescription glasses to make myself look more intelligent-- although they really hurt my eyes, so I don't keep them on for very long. \nOnce I've gone through these basic steps, I pull out my laptop. Sometimes it takes me a while to prepare the laptop because I have to clean the crumbs out from between the keys. Then I get down to business.\nBut business can usually wait until after I've numbed my mind sufficiently by watching hours of "Welcome Back, Kotter" reruns. Then, and only then, am I able to write to my fullest potential.\nOf course I can't tell you exactly how my mind gets from point A to point B when writing a column; because I'd have to kill you. Actually, it's because I haven't the slightest clue how my mind works either. Although I'm pretty sure there are little tiny people scurrying around in there, just like in a busy office. I can't explain it. I guess somewhere along the line this writing gig became second nature.\nBut seriously, I hope I was able to entertain you every now and then. There are so many depressing things happening around us, any rays of sunshine that reach us are more than welcome. I just wanted to brighten up your day.\nAnd I'd like to say a big thank you to all of the people who've written letters to either the IDS or to me. Good or bad, it's always nice to get a response. Except for the death threats -- those really aren't something I look forward to reading again.\nIf you're wondering why I never wrote you back, it's because I'm a moody, temperamental artist who cannot be bothered with these sorts of mundane details. Actually, it's because it is policy that I do not write back to fan/hate mail. Sorry kids, I would've loved to argue with you.\nI really don't know what the future holds for me. Who knows, you may be lucky enough to find yourself reading my malarkey in a book someday. Until then, I bid you a fond farewell.