NRA, unload your guns

The Senate passed Senator John McCain's campaign finance reform legislation Monday, restricting the amount of money various individuals and groups would be allowed to donate as "soft money." This is good news. It is especially good news for those of us who favor increased gun control. Why? Because one group, the National Rifle Association, notorious for buying gun-friendly candidate's victories, will see its dark grip on national politics eased.\nThat said, now might be the time to refresh everyone's memory as to exactly what the NRA believes, what it's done in the past and why its existence is a thorn in the nation's side. And, considering that my opportunities to belittle the NRA (something I've been wanting to do for quite some time now) are dwindling like words in Charleton Heston's vocabulary, I'd say the time is at hand.\nI'd like to begin by calling the majority of the NRA's members less than intelligent. These are the good folks who won't be swayed by any amount of relevant, statistical proof, so it doesn't matter what I say because they will all hate me no matter what. \nIf this is you, stop reading right now. You probably have better things to do anyway, like filling Bambi full of hot lead or protecting your trailer from armed intruders. \nBut be careful -- they might be trying to steal your collection of NASCAR shot glasses! Or, even worse, they may try to cut a lock from your beautiful, flowing mullet while you sleep! Better train the kids to use the sawed-off shotgun!\nAnd then there are the members of the NRA who may not have fully considered the consequences of their stance on gun control. These are the individuals with whom I'd like a word. They have been misled by the propaganda spewed forth by those cap-poppin' good ol' boys down at NRA headquarters. It's hard not to believe them -- they have the Second Amendment on their side, right? Wrong. \nLadies and gentlemen, I present to you your Second Amendment: "A well-regulated militia, being necessary to the security of a free state, the right of the people to keep and bear arms, shall not be infringed." Eloquent, huh?\nSeems to me the right to bear arms is pretty heavily tied into having a well-regulated militia, no? And, as it turns out, we already have a well-regulated militia. You might have heard of it -- it's called the National Guard. It was established in 1903. So, even if some limey Brit tries to sneak into my backyard and knock me out of my hammock, it's not my job to pop him. And I don't really want Billy Bob protecting me with his AK-47 assault rifle he usually uses for squirrel hunting, either.\nUse your heads, people. The Second Amendment was written in 1793, when there was a legitimate fear of a tyrannical national government and other oppressive groups. Remember, in 1793 they also used to bleed you to cure a case of the sniffles. Can you say outdated?\nOur judicial system can. Did you know that no federal court has ever overturned a gun control law on the basis of the Second Amendment? \nThe only true barrier to real restrictions on guns is the $15.8 million the NRA has paid out to congressional representatives since 1989 to keep gun control legislation off the books, according to the Coalition to Stop Gun Violence. \nStill proud to be an American? \nEven if our forefathers had felt it reasonable for us to tote Uzi's around in our backpacks, on a practical level it would still be too dangerous. Common sense should tell us that our right to shoot animals and beer cans in our backyards does not supercede a person's right to live in safety. And when stupid people get ahold of guns (and we know most people are, in fact, stupid), people get hurt. \nNobody's going to shoot you when they're robbing your house, dumbass! They want your DVD player, not the electric chair. Statistics show gun owners are far more likely to shoot themselves, a family member or a pet rather than any sort of intruder. According to a 1998 ABCnews.com poll, only 20 percent of gun owners store their weapons unlocked and unloaded. Now that is tragic.\nFirearm injuries are the second leading cause of death of youth ages 10-24 nationwide, according to the Center for Disease Control. In case you're wondering, the leading cause of death for this age group is car accidents. The difference with this is that we need cars. We don't need guns. \nSo, if you gunslingers out there are still listening, put 'em down. Isn't saving thousands of lives worth the price of finding a new hobby? I say it's certainly worth a shot… no pun intended.