Fake interviews for fun and profit

Last week it was revealed that an Esquire magazine profile of rock and/or roller Michael Stipe contained numerous intentional fabrications by the author, apparently intended as some sort of post-modern "deconstruction" of the celebrity profile. "How marvelous," I thought as I read the news. "In the past, I have written articles by contacting sources and obtaining facts, like a sucker. Now, here in the space-age 21st century, all bets are off!" I then set about to write my own profile of Mr. Stipe, which appears below. Please note that I did not actually talk to him, or indeed anyone, for this profile. None of the information in the article is even the slightest bit true.\nMichael Stipe, kneeling at the Bone Altar, raises his head, the glint of frenzied evil still in his eyes. He wipes the entrails from his mouth and nods grimly.\n"It is finished," he intones. "I am BlüdKing." \nYes faithful readers, you heard it here first -- Michael Stipe and the rest of R.E.M. have reached worldwide mega success because the singer steals babies from hospitals, then kills and eats them in the name of the great sleeping nightmare god Cthulu. In fact --\nWhoa! According to my editors, that's all we can print of that one. Apparently the Warner Bros. lawyers can sue us for something called "libel." Guess that one's too hot to handle! Not to worry; I've got dozens of these fake celebrity profiles lying around. They practically write themselves! Check out excerpts from some that I hope to publish in a general interest men's magazine in the near future.\nQ: John Stamos, in your years as Hollywood's biggest cocaine connection, who has been your biggest and most consistent customer?\nA: Without a doubt, Craig T. Nelson.\nQ: The beloved star of "Coach" and "The District"?\nA: Oh yeah. The guy's got a nose like a Hoover. \nWhy, it's Mr. Jerry Maguire himself, Tom Cruise! Hey, Tom...show me the truth!\nQ: Tom…why the sudden break-up with Nicole?\nA: She didn't like that I stored my urine in jars. She said it was the jars or her. So I kept my precious, precious urine jars.\nOr how about this exclusive scoop from notoriously reclusive author J.D. Salinger!\nQ: Mr. Salinger, what have you been doing all these years?\nA: Davin, your incisive interviewing tactics leave me no recourse but to admit the truth. I ghostwrote every "Sweet Valley High" book so I could buy "pogs."\nQ: And…?\nA: And…"The Babysitter's Club." Damn it.\nAnd don't forget, when you write fictional interviews, you're not bound by the shackles of space and time. For example, let's step into the way-back machine and read this interview with a major American historical figure:\nAbraham Lincoln, kneeling at the Bone Altar, raises his head, the glint of frenzied evil still in his eyes. He wipes the entrails from his mouth and nods grimly.\n"It is finished," he intones. "I am BlüdKing." \nWell, you get the idea. If you need more help, I'm holding a Fictional Interview Seminar at the Holiday Inn by the highway this weekend. Celebrities that will not be there to be interviewed include red-hot "swinger" Vince Vaughn, the very classy Ms. Kim Basinger and the bad boy of golf, John Daly. Don't miss it!