My best friend, Britney Spears

I have a problem. I don\'t have a best buddy. I've never had someone to tell my most intimate thoughts. Someone I can confide in. Someone just like me. \nNow, after years of searching, I think I do. Her name is Britney Spears.\nGranted, we've never met. I've never even seen her in person. But I think I know enough about the woman, the legend, the myth, to know that we would be best buds forever. The similarities between Britney and myself are undeniable. \nBritney likes to dance and make people happy. I am a certifiable dance-a-holic. The only difference is when I boogie down people get sad and angry instead of happy. But as Britney likes to say, "Go screw yourself." \nI like to wear revealing outfits that show off my pectorals and gluts. Coincidentally, so does Miss Spears. Although, I think I started the trend. Sorry Brit! \nShe and I both have a sultry Southern drawl. But mine only shows up after six beers. I guess it's not so much a drawl as a slurring of speech. Oh well, close enough.\nBritney's favorite actress is Julia Roberts. I liked Julia Roberts in "Pretty Woman" because she played a prostitute with a heart of gold. This is a character I really identified with -- in many ways I see myself as a prostitute with a heart of gold. In the metaphorical sense, I think.\nAs you can see, Britney and I are practically the same person. \nIf I just had one day to spend with Britney, oh the fun we would have. We'd eat marshmallow pies and prance through meadows. We'd play patty cake and hop scotch until the cows came home. There'd be a clown and cottage cheese and a Ferris wheel. \nOur day would start bright and early in the morning. I'd call her up and say, "Hi, Brit." She'd say, "Hi." I'd say, "Get out of bed, you filthy animal, we got lots of fun headed our way." She'd say, "All right, I'll be right over. BRITNEY POWER!"\nShe'd show up at my house at around 8 a.m. wearing bib overalls, snow pants and a monocle. I'd be wearing my standard army fatigues, steel-toed boots and fake-gold tooth. We would walk arm and arm to my car where she would open my door and buckle my seatbelt. Once inside I would unlock her door, but as she was about to open the door I'd lock it again. Then I'd unlock it. She'd try to open the door. Then I'd lock it again. Then I'd say, "No, seriously this time," and unlock it. Then, yup you guessed it, I'd lock the door again. I'd keep doing this until her eyes welled up with tears, then I'd let her in and we'd make our way to the aquarium.\nAt the aquarium, we'd look at dolphins, sea lions and sharks. While we are looking at the jelly fish she'd say "Eeeewww, that looks like you."\n"Take that back, Britney," I'd say. "I mean, I know we're best buds and everything, but you better cool it."\n"Yeah, I know we are best friends," Britney would say, "but you're an ugly trash face that looks ugly like a jellyfish."\nThen I would jokingly lunge at her like I was going to attack her. Not long there after, her bodyguard would jokingly choke me until I passed out. This would make Britney giggle.\nUpon regaining consciousness, we'd go visit Justin Timberlake, Britney's boyfriend, to see how he was doing. \n"Hi, Justin *kiss* this is my new best friend, Evan Clossin," she'd say.\n"Hi Justin," I'd say.\n"I'm gonna beat you, nerd," Justin would say.\nHe would then choke me until I passed out. \nBritney and I then would leave Justin and go to the zoo, and I'd force her to ride all the animals around in a re-creation of her MTV Video Music Awards performance.\nThen it would be off to the beauty shop for perms and a manicure. I'd get my perm done up mommy style, while Britney would have blonde highlights and curls put in. She's so beautiful. I'm so jealous.\nWe'd end the day at my place for a sleep-over. There would be pillow fights, prank calls and make-overs, to say the least.\nThen as she drifts off to sleep I'd kiss her on the forehead and say, "Goodnight Britney. You are my best friend"