Book examines why marriages fail

As if graduation isn't enough of a disorienting life transition, many IU students will get shiny-new engagement rings to match those proud tassels this May. Perhaps you are confused by your peers' sudden rush to the altar, or are concerned that you, too, should be tying the knot with your college sweetheart before you get permanently separated in the real-world jungle. Or maybe you yourself are recently betrothed and are looking forward to your magical wedding and the life together that will follow.\nBut what does follow the vows and what is the meaning of the unrelenting parade down the aisle that almost all of us will join, for better or for worse? More importantly, as children of a divorcing generation living in an age of sound bites and continual career swapping, how can we make sure that we do it right, the first time?\nIn "The Starter Marriage and the Future of Matrimony," demographics analyst Pamela Paul examines the brief childless marriages that have reached near-epidemic proportions among Gen Xers, the generation immediately ahead of current undergraduates. Those born roughly between 1979 and 1994 are known as Gen Yers and Echo Boomers for being the children of Baby Boomers. The legacy of the rebellious Baby Boomer generation includes feminism, pacifism and the sexual revolution. But the "Me Generation" also brought us divorce and broken families, and Paul suggests that Gen Xers and Gen Yers are taking the most vicious revenge possible on their unconventional predecessors by returning to tradition. \nSadly, it does not always turn out as planned.\nSometimes it seems that so-called starter marriages are "in:" veterans include Uma Thurman, Tom Green, Angelina Jolie, Johnny Depp and Julia Roberts. But there is little glamour in divorce and, like their young divorcee peers, these stars likely entered their unions with faith in foreve, and exited them disillusioned and hurt. Paul, who herself underwent a one-year starter marriage, interviewed nearly sixty Gen Xers who were divorced before age 30, all who believed that their marriages would be lifelong.\nFor Gen Xers, Paul's analysis is a means of coming to terms with failure. For Echo Boomers, it is a magic mirror that shows us the future of agonized disappointment that could be ours, if we do not learn from the mistakes of those who came before us. They confronted irreconcilable ideas about children, family economics, and spirituality. They thought that things would change after marriage, or they thought that nothing would. They had huge, expensive weddings that seemed to take on a life of their own, or they eloped to evade disapproving families, or simply out of romantic notions. They were just too young, or too selfish. Most were happy to have gotten out when they did, before kids were involved, before their good dating days were over. Almost all wanted to get married again, this time for life.\nNo warning is going to stop romantic Echo Boomers from tying the knot. Twenty-five percent of 20 to 24-year-olds are already married. In a poll of high school seniors in 1998, a whopping 96 percent said that they planned to marry, at an average age of 26. And Gen Y resolutely insisted in a 1999 Gallup poll that they believe in "God, marriage, and the institution of family."\nSo how do we make sure that we succeed where others have failed? Marriage-training class, for one, Gen X says. This may seem strange to us, but it makes a lot of sense for a generation that has little faith in parental guidance when it comes to lifelong commitment. Couples in love need more than each other: They need concerned, experienced people who can help them make good decisions and get through bad times. Parents do a disservice by saying, "as long as you're happy," because lifelong love is about a lot more than personal fulfillment. Attending a marriage-training class offered by a religious or secular organization before the big day can help ask the hard questions about compatibility and maturity that parents and peers are afraid to ask. Other suggestions are long courtships, paying attention to cold feet and moderated weddings. I will add reading this book.\nThe young divorcees that Paul interviewed felt they had learned profound lessons from their starter marriages about the reality of married life that would make their second marriages more viable. Some predict that the starter marriages of Gen X are only the beginning of a trend that will result in our grandchildren having a series of short marriages throughout their extended lifetimes, effectively ending lifelong love, a dream Gen Yers hold dear. Though about divorce, Paul writes not for those nay-sayers but for believers in marriage, once and forever, and offers essential insights on what can go wrong for the generation that still has the chance to get it right.\n"The Starter Marriage and the Future of Matrimony" is available from Villard Books.