Girls just want to have fun

Hip-hop star Nelly blares from the tiny computer speakers and rebounds around the 10-by-12-foot dorm room with the door shut to ward off any curious resident assistants. It's Saturday night in IU's Ashton Quad, and freshmen women and men are drinking, dancing and hooking up. \nIU sophomore Kelly Neff is dancing with and kissing a guy she has met once before. He keeps suggesting Neff and he go to her room down the hall. Neff agrees -- although she insists she will just sleep.\n"I put on my pajamas and everything -- I was going to bed! I got in the bed, and I was like, 'Yep, good night!'" Neff said. "So he slept in my bed…I guess he must have thought something was going to happen. No, I was not in the mood to do anything scandalous that night." \nIt may seem scandalous to some, but it's the most prevalent form of dating among college women today. It's called 'hooking up,' and it's as common on college campuses as tuition increases and parking fines. \n"Actual, formal dates are more rare than hooking up," senior Sabrina Shah said. "Nowadays, it's just part of the college life. It's hard to avoid."\n'Hooking up' is deliberately ambiguous; it can mean anything from kissing to sexual intercourse. It usually involves alcohol and relationships rarely result. College women nationwide are engaging in these random sexual encounters that have replaced traditional dinner-and-a-movie dating of previous generations. \nThe Institute for American Values, a private, nonpartisan organization, conducted a survey last July titled "Hooking Up, Hanging out, and Hoping for Mr. Right -- College Women on Dating and Mating Today," which has brought attention to the current dating trends of college women. Forty percent of the 1,000 women surveyed from campuses nationwide said they have experienced a hook-up at least once since being in college. One out of 10 women claimed having done so more than six times. \nThe carefree hooking-up lifestyle begins when women arrive on campus as freshmen. Shah, who's studying journalism education, has played the hooking-up game for years now. She said the attraction of hooking up is definitely lost by senior year because women are more mature. She admits she would rather graduate two months from now with a serious relationship. \nNeff came to IU two years ago expecting to meet many guys. At her high school of 2,000 people, she didn't date much. Her most serious relationship lasted throughout senior year until she and her boyfriend left for colleges in different states. But large lecture classes, a floor full of girls and the record 8,000 freshmen on campus made it more difficult to meet members of the opposite sex than Neff anticipated. \n"I figured I'd be dating a little bit more than what I am…like actually going out to dinner," the 20-year-old said. "But that does not happen. I've never had that happen here."\nWhat Neff did find happening was a lot of partying. Drinking, dancing and hooking up seemed to be the norm among her freshmen floormates. \nSophomore Mark Greenwald said he thinks men and women do know how to date. But between classes, extracurricular activities and work, it's hard to find time to go out to dinner like a "real date." He said hooking up is a good thing because you can meet people, but it can be a bad thing if nothing comes out of it. \n"Isn't this what college is all about? Beer and hooking up?" Greenwald said. "And I guess studying fits in there somewhere."\nParents sending their 18-year-olds off to get an education might be surprised to learn their sons and daughters are entering a sexual world that relies on alcohol and dancing for companionship in place of the pick-you-up-at-8 dates of their college years. \nLeon R. Kass, in "The End of Courtship" in The Public Interest, claims it seems like only yesterday that culturally acceptable paths primed young people for marriage. At the turn of the 20th century, Kass says, men came "a-calling and a-wooing" to women's homes. The next generation relied on the man's wallet and initiative for courting couples' dates. For the latter half of the century, "going steady" and marrying high school sweethearts became the norm. Now, three years into the new millennium, college dating is recognizable by keg beer, tight tank tops and one-night stands. \nA college education and a profitable career now top women's to-do lists -- marriage and a baby or two can wait. To the idea of courtship, Kass scoffs -- "Don't be ridiculous."\nThree-fourths of the way through her sophomore year of college, Neff still hasn't dated anyone seriously. She goes to parties. She drinks Jungle Juice, a concoction of Everclear and Kool-Aid, at fraternity parties. She dances.\n"I'm definitely looking for someone because I haven't dated anyone yet," said Neff, who's studying graphic design. "I'm really wanting something right now."\nNeff said the closest thing she's had to a date in college was drinking and playing cards with her fraternity friend last December.\nIn the Institute for American Values survey, one third of the women reported being asked out on two dates or fewer at college so far. But single sophomore Kyle Fellerhoff said he doesn't think dating is completely dead on college campuses. He said a lot of his friends go out with people from classes, but it's more of an informal, getting-to-know-each-other date. \nSherry Amanstein, a dating columnist for ivillage.com, said she thinks one cause of the hooking-up culture is that men and women are a lot less sure what dating is. She thinks they're confused about who asks and who pays. \nEducators and researchers are searching for deeper explanations. The changing attitudes toward sex and relationships, the readily available female contraception and the changing educational and professional status of women are among reasons given for this new culture of hook-ups.\nKass theorized the idea of courtship and dating is disappearing because of the steadily weakening stigma of women having premarital sex. \n"Why would a man court a woman for marriage when she may be sexually enjoyed, and regularly, without it?" Kass said. "Female sexuality becomes, like male, unlinked to the future…the new women's anthem: 'Girls just want to have fun.'" \nBut, throughout the parties and the drinking and the dancing, Neff asserts she is looking for something more long term than a random night. \n"There's always some kind of hope that it will go somewhere…that it will just kind of click with this person," Neff said. "And maybe you'll continue seeing each other or going to parties together…or something like that."\nAmanstein said women are doing themselves a big disservice by randomly hooking up and not developing committed relationships. She said women need to learn how to conduct themselves in relationships.\n"You're in college! You're around all these guys," Amanstein said. "You should get to know them as peers and as people."\nAmanstein, a dating and relationship expert, just wrote her second book, "Love Lessons from Bad Breakups: Discover How to Make Relationships Last -- By Learning from the Ones That Didn't." \nBut Neff contends hooking up isn't something that is looked down upon. She said it's usually something to joke about among her friends. Fellerhoff agreed hooking up doesn't have a negative connotation at all. He said hooking up is seen as a good thing among his friends.\n"It's a good thing -- you know, you've got game," said Fellerhoff, who majors in math. "We're young. We're supposed to have fun."\nDr. Drew Pinsky, quoted from USA Weekend in a Women's Quarterly article, theorized today's dating scene is ideal for men but not for women. He said hooking up seems to have been invented by and for 17-year old boys, but he thinks all the women find from the hooking-up scene is disillusionment. Pinsky, a board-certified internist and addictionologist, was a co-host on MTV's "Loveline."\nIn the survey, women could pick from seven adjectives to describe how they feel after a hook-up: Desirable, adventuresome, triumphant, awkward, confused, disappointed, empty or exploited. Sixty-one percent of the women who chose 'desirable' also felt 'awkward,' according to the survey. Forty-four percent felt 'empty.' Greenwald, who studies computer science, said he would pick 'adventuresome' and 'triumphant.' \n"Most of my friends look at hooking up as a bonus to the end of the night," Greenwald said. "And if it's a hot chick, we're definitely jealous."\nAmanstein advised women to think about how they're going to feel tomorrow before hooking up. She said women need to take a stand if they want more from a relationship.\n"If a guy wants you to come over to his dorm room at 11 at night, just say, 'No, you can ask me out on a real date,'" Amanstein said. "Stick to it, and just say screw him -- not literally."\nWhile hooking up may be fine for college women when they're barhopping, they're still dreaming of diamond rings and something borrowed and something blue. More than half of the same women who admitted to hooking up frequently in the survey also said they'd like to meet their future husband in college. Ninety-one percent and said marriage is a very important goal for them. \n"I don't think women need to be looking for marriage in college -- that puts a lot of pressure on themselves," Amanstein said. \nNeff, who has two older brothers, an older sister and a younger brother, said she definitely plans to marry eventually and have two or three children. \nNeff said she doesn't anticipate a change in the dating scene anytime soon. She thinks post-graduation dating will still be similar to college-style hooking up.\nBut Elizabeth Marquardt, co-author of the survey, calls for a change from the hooking-up culture back to traditional values. She said she hopes the survey sparks controversy on college campuses about hooking up and dating. In the report, she suggests older adults should take a more active role in guiding teen-agers in dating practices, males should take a greater initiative in dating and socially accepted rules regarding dating should resurface in today's society. \nElizabeth Armstrong, a sociology professor at IU, said the Institute for American Values' conservative views on family values might have somehow influenced the "Hooking Up, Hanging out, and Hoping for Mr. Right" survey's conclusions and recommendations. \nBecause of the institute's political position and agenda, she said they might have asked leading questions to support their theories. She said the survey failed to delve into important issues such as the male perspective and the relationship between dating trends now and marriage trends in the future. She said the survey is a good starting place to ask questions but their recommendations aren't viable strategies. \n"The problem isn't necessarily that there is a lot of 'hooking up' going on," Armstrong said. "It's a question of, 'Is it consensual? Is it fun? Is it pleasurable?'"\nOnly the women themselves can answer that question. \n"People need to realize that it's a different time," Shah said. "And as long as people are being responsible for themselves and their actions, hooking up is just a natural part of life in college"