When you think it can't get any worse...

I'm trying to be nice to the football program. \nBut how can I? The Hoosiers miss extra points, commit brain-dead penalties and lose to Utah. \nI'd love to write about Antwaan Randle El making a triumphant return to quarterback. I'd love to chronicle the resurgence of a once- (and still-) diaper-soft defense. I'd love to tell the story of the IU boy coming home to coach his alma mater to bowl game after bowl game. \nBut it isn't so.\nInstead, I'm stuck with losses to teams like Utah. I'm used to it. This week, I realized that since I began covering college football, the teams I cover haven't won a single game. Nope, lost every single time out. Zero wins. Thirteen loses. I covered Ball State football in 1999 during the Cardinals' 21-game losing skid. Then, I transferred to IU -- evidently bringing the curse with me. \nBut it's not my fault the teams I cover can't beat Ohio, Akron and Utah. \nSo I'm braced for Saturday. I'm assuming it will get ugly, but IU has a hint of hope. Don't get excited, it's just a hint. A very slight hint. \nLet's take a look-see.\n• Ohio State sputtered to 166 yards of total offense against UCLA last week. \n• The lone Buckeye touchdown came via a blocked punt that OSU recovered in the endzone. \n• OSU quarterback Steve Bellisari was a magnificent five of 23 with two interceptions. His completions to the wrong team went for 17 yards. His completions to his own team racked up a mind-boggling 45.\n• And, hey, the Buckeyes and IU have something in common -- neither can come close to kicking anything with any accuracy. IU has misfired on an extra point and two field goals this season. OSU missed a field goal against Akron in its opener then missed an extra point and two field goals last week. Both schools are playing musical kickers. Fellas, those two big yellow sticks behind the endzone? Yeah, kick the ball in between those. \n• OSU's defense allowed 262 yards passing and didn't pick off a pass. IU has yet to intercept a pass this season and had only four last season.\nSo, given the Buckeye struggles and IU's pitfalls, here's how Saturday will go. \n• On the first Ohio State drive, Bellisari will complete one pass in 12 attempts and throw two interceptions. How, I don't know, but he'll manage. \n• The Hoosiers will return the favor -- using the same play they used last week on the two-point try that would have tied the game had IU not been penalized -- by forgetting to line up on the line of scrimmage. Three times. \n• After three more incompletions from Bellisari, IU drives to the Buckeye 12-yard line. Randle El drops his first pass attempt to himself, and IU tries a field goal. Wide right. By 23 feet. \n• This time, Bellisari completes two passes in a row (wow!). The second for a 71-yard touchdown. OSU misses the extra point.\n• IU drives inside the OSU 20-yard line three more times before halftime and misses all three field goals. Two don't even get to the endzone, and the other lands in the stands. But not the ones behind the endzone. \n• After a scoreless third quarter that features 27 penalties, eight missed field goals and six interceptions, IU breaks the ice on a 33-yard field goal. By Randle El, who decides he'll play one more position. \n• IU's kicking tandem of Bryan Robertson and Adam Braucher, who have have missed a combined nine field goals on the afternoon, are seen shining Randle El's shoes and playing checkers with Tommy Jones on the sideline. Jones wins. But only because Braucher goes into this big story about how one time he kicked two field goals in a row (wow!) and forgets all about checkers. \n• The Hoosiers, still down 6-3, pick off Bellisari for the fifth time and are in position to kick a 24-yard field goal. Randle El connects, and the game is tied. \n• After three more Bellisari incompletions, Ohio State punts, then stops IU on three plays. IU punts. It's blocked. OSU recovers. In the endzone. \n• Time expires. OSU doesn't even get to miss the extra point and wins 12-6. \n• Half of the sell-out crowd of more than 50,000 is happy. What? A sellout at Memorial Stadium? Half of it is OSU fans. At least they're wearing red.\n• Coach Cam Cameron cries.\n• Randle El parades into the press conference with his shiny shoes. \n•Jones bursts in with his checkers trophy -- an empty bottle of shoe shine. \n•And my streak of consecutive losses as a writer reaches 14.