Why I hate corporate America

Because of my leftist remarks, some of my fans have accused me of reading too much Democratic propaganda. Little do they know, I don't read propaganda. I write it. So, I will waste this space allotted to me to fully explain why I hate corporate America without the benefit of rational thought provided by others.\nFirst of all, I try as hard as I can to distance myself from corporations. I walk to school so I don't have to support the oil and automotive industry. I cook at home when I want to avoid mass-produced people chow. I didn't have a TV signal so I could escape brainwashing and MTV, but then the new season of "The Sopranos" started (no commercials). I don't even pay attention to Britney Spears' breasts, which is a huge sacrifice. But try as I might, Corporate America won't leave me alone, and that gives me reason to hate.\nTake banking, for instance. If I don't put money in a bank, I have to pay fees for cashing checks. I have to buy money orders to pay my bills. I have to worry about people stealing from me. In this society, I have to have a banking account, and this horrible fact of life forces me to come into contact with the banking industry. \nWhen I walk up to tellers nowadays, they treat me like I am some sort of criminal trying to defraud them. I have to prove my innocence before I can touch my money. Some of these banks have even fingerprinted me! And God help me whenever I ask them to do something even a little bit out of the ordinary.\nFor example, my brother does not have a checking account. He and I went into my bank to deposit into my account a check made out to him from our father. The teller looked at us like we were pieces of filth and said in a sneering voice, "Sorry sir, we can't do that."\nGoing in, I half expected my bank wouldn't deposit a check from my father with my brother standing there, but what really made me angry was her attitude toward me, the customer. It wasn't the first time I've been mad at horrible customer service, and I am sure many of you have had a similar experience.\nWhat does this have to do with corporations? Well, I'll tell you.\nI'm old enough to remember when people who actually lived in the community owned the banks. I also remember going into these banks and meeting nice people who were not scared to death of losing their jobs by doing their fellow human beings slight favors.\nAt one such bank in my hometown, I could walk in and cash a five-party check written on the back of roofing shingle. If they had problem, they knew they could settle it the next time they saw me. They realized that having $5,000 in their bank entitled me to cash weird $50 checks whenever I wanted.\nWhenever I move to a new city, I seek out these banks. Some are still out there. The problem is, every time I find one, a national chain comes in and buys them. It's happened to me four times, and you should see the evil change that comes over the customer service.\nWhy this change? Well, favors and customers do not belong together in the corporate world. Favors cost money and, for corporations, this can be disastrous.\nA corporation needs to make a certain profit (one of my professors says it's around 15 percent for the newspaper industry), or another corporation that does make that profit will buy it out. Even if the purchasing corporation doesn't have enough money to buy it, banks and other investors will give money. After all, the "proven winner" in the industry is a safe bet, and it boosts the stock market.\nThe quest for profit is what makes the corporate world inherently evil. Say a chief executive officer of a corporation wants to give the workers 10 percent of the profits. His or her corporation would be bought out. Say factory workers in Third World countries can produce a General Electric appliance much cheaper than union workers in Bloomington. The Bloomington factory would be shut down.\nLoyalty, nobility and goodness cannot exist in the corporate world if profits dip below the industry standard.\nBut this is good news for average college students. They've been scientifically proven to make a 15 percent profit. That's if they study real hard and become good corporate drones. So remember kiddies, if some person, who you can tell doesn't have that much money, comes up to you on the job and asks for a favor, reply with a sneer. You'll go far in corporate America.