It turned out Cookie Sutkowski had known all along.\nWhen Owen, her 16-year-old son, came into her home office, bowed his head and told his mother he was gay, he looked up to see her turn around in the computer chair and tell him, "I already knew that."\nCookie then left the room to find the photograph of her two twin sons when they were 2-and-a-half. \nThe photograph depicts a young Owen and his fraternal twin, Garrett, who is standing in front with his arms crossed and an expression almost too stern for a 2-year-old.\nOwen is standing behind holding a purse.\n"The picture makes me smile because even at 20 years old, they still have the same personalities," Cookie said. "It's funny because it's the whole story, and those are my boys."\nCookie, who has been divorced since the twins' birth, said she had the inclination for several years.\n"Even back then, when they were little, I knew, but I didn't acknowledge it," Cookie said. "As a parent you can't acknowledge it until your child says something."\nOwen, now a sophomore at IU, said he was expecting the worst when he told his mother.\n"I was prepared for this barrage of tears and emotion, because I've heard horrible coming out stories and I was prepared for that," he said.
The Reality\nThe negative stories are often a reality for many gay, lesbian, bisexual or transgendered individuals who come out to family members, but Owen said trying to live such a lie is just as frustrating.\n"People feel like it's a blame issue (to come out), and believe that they've ruined their family," Owen said. "But coming out isn't a choice. It's what you are."\nThe anxiety and fear takes on a new dimension during the holiday season when family members gather together and relatives ask the inevitable small-talk question: "So who are you dating these days?"\nThe GLBT Student Support Services and the Counseling and Psychological Services program has organized a program to discuss these issues Tuesday to help students who are anxious about going home or for those who want to tell a family member about their sexuality. \n"It's a hard time for students because at IU they've developed an honest life on campus and they go back home and feel like they need to play a game," said Doug Bauder, coordinator of IU's Gay, Lesbian, Bisexual and Transgendered Student Support Services. "I know some people choose not to go home because it's too painful to go through all of the phoniness with relatives."\nThe program, Coming Out Over the Vacation, will include a panel discussion, in which Owen and his mother will take part.\nThe event will take place at 7 p.m. in the Maple Room of the Indiana Memorial Union.\n"This issue is something near and dear to both of our hearts," Cookie said. "I want kids to know that coming out can have a good outcome. When parents go ballistic, it usually has nothing to do with the child."\nCookie said the common reaction has to do with the parents' own issues they must overcome.\n"One of the things I had to face was that he may no longer be a parent down the road," Cookie said. "But these are things all parents are trying to process."\nOwen said he's looking forward to discussing the issues he and his mother faced with other students.\n"To have a program put on like this is more important than most people will ever realize," he said. "Even if five people show up it would be amazing."\nThe Struggle\nSince the American Psychiatric Society identified homosexuality as a mental illness until 1975, Bauder said part of that lingers in today's society. \n"Back then the blame was usually on the parents, often the mother," Bauder said. "That history is still out there and parents still struggle with it."\nBauder said even if students are apprehensive about coming out to their parents, there may be others they could tell.\n"Maybe it's not the time or season to come out to mom or dad, but maybe there's someone else you admire and feel close to that you could sit down and talk to, because everyone needs that connection," he said.\nAlthough Owen's connection with his mom is positive, his twin didn't have the same reaction -- especially during high school.\n"When I came out in high school, it was Garrett who received the brunt of the backlash for being the twin of a gay individual," Owen said. "It was literally like being gay by association, and that was hard for him."\nOwen remembers one day during high school when the backlash was too much for his twin brother. Garrett, who is now a police officer in the U.S. Marines, told him, "Stop it. Owen, just stop being gay." \n"I told him that would require me to stop breathing," Owen recalled.\nOwen said as the brothers have grown up after high school, Garrett's feelings about his brother have changed.\n"He sent me a letter from boot camp and at the bottom he said he was sorry for treating me like that," Owen said. "That one line was tremendous."
The Blessing\nOwen said it takes preparation and thought before feeling comfortable with coming out.\n"Make sure you know yourself first: what you want out of life and where you stand in terms of your sexual orientation," he said. "You should also be a resource for other people because I know how important it was to have people to confide in."\nOwen said the anxiety about coming out is indescribable. \n"You hear that fear is only a four-letter word, but to many people it's much more than that, because they have a lot to lose," he said.\nBut in Owen's case, the student and his mother have more to gain.\n"One advantage of being the mother of a gay son is when we go to Boystown in Chicago (a homosexual-oriented region). We go to this little restaurant," Cookie said in a light-hearted tone. "It's fun because you're in a sea of men, so we can both go enjoy that."\nCookie said she equates the special connection she has with her son to a blessing.\n"Owen is comfortable in his own skin and I know he's happy," Cookie said. "He has a lot to give and he wouldn't be able to do that if he had to live a lie"
