Keep Victoria a secret

If you've been anywhere near a television in the past few weeks, you've seen it. It's impossible to miss with that sultry voice, the foreign accent and the near-naked models in underwear. That's right, it's the Victoria's Secret Semi-Annual Sale commercial. Around this time every year, they play the same ad, trying to excite both men and women.\nThe truth is, it works. Guys will channel surf just to see the spot, and women will rush out and spend hours in the store looking in a bin full of half-priced items for that perfect undergarment. Every year I'm sucked into the pink, padded world of bras and panties at ridiculously low prices. Bras starting at just $9.99?! Who could refuse such a deal? \nMen can, that's who. Sure, they'll browse through their girlfriend's catalog, and some will even admit to having their own subscription. But ask them to go with you, and without giving it any thought, the answer is usually, "No way. You will never see me in that store." This shocks me every time. I'm baffled by the fact that guys are so scared of such a harmless shopping venture.\nI noticed something strange the other day while I was rummaging through the $2.99 panties. There are three types of guys you will find in or near a Victoria's Secret store. Most often you see the "Stand Off," the guy who is content to sit on a bench or stand (preferably at least thirty feet away from the store) while his significant other does her shopping. Crossing the threshold into the boutique is not an option and they firmly hold their ground, even when they are being pulled, pushed or shoved toward the door. Somehow surrounded by an invisible radioactive field, these men fear death if they step one inch onto the carpet.\nThen you have the "Still Life." These poor guys have somehow miraculously survived their entrance into the store, but once inside, they become lifeless zombies at the mercy of their female captors. You will find him in a corner somewhere, arms crossed, holding a purse and a few shopping bags and staring into oblivion. They don't blink, they don't move and sometimes I think they stop breathing as well. The excess of feminine pheromones has penetrated their manly shield, and they have been reduced to a human statue.\nRarely, and I mean very rarely, you'll stumble upon what I refer to as a "Shocker." Once every few years a guy will enter Victoria's Secret, overcome the killer force field and pheromones and seem oddly happy to be there. Whether he's happy because there's a sale and his credit card won't be damaged too badly or because he likes sexy lingerie, is debatable. Either way, this is a guy who will move around the store and not seem scared or traumatized. Even rarer still than seeing a "Shocker" is seeing an involved one. Only very courageous men will (gasp) dare to pick something up or make a suggestion about a purchase.\nIn the end, perhaps this absence of testosterone from a lingerie store is a good thing. It gives women an untouched refuge of silk and lace. It is where we can safely talk about cup sizes and underwire. After all, no matter how much he might try, there's only so much a man can know about push-ups.