Why TV isn't all bad

I want to be on "Jeopardy!" I want to be on that show so much that thinking about it almost makes me perspire. Alright, that's a lie. I perspire because I'm horribly out of shape, but I really do want to be on "Jeopardy!"\nThis, like most of my interests, has its roots in insane jealousy. When I was in high school, a girl I knew qualified for "Teen Jeopardy!" because she just happened to be in the Los Angeles area at the time. I was born in Los Angeles, but I haven't been "in the area" since 1987. That, coupled with the fact that I didn't think I was smart enough even for the teen version, led me to conclude I would never get to shake the hand of the magnificently smarmy Alex Trebek.\nWhen I watched my classmate's appearance on the show, it was as if the tiny "game show contestant" seed laying dormant within me germinated with alarming speed and took root, begging me to feed it with trivia and the warmth of a hand-held buzzer. Over the top? Quite. But watching my classmate -- we'll call her "Achel-Ray" -- bumble her way through the show convinced me if she could somehow end up with a positive score, I could really do some damage.\nYes, this sounds snobbish. I wish I could counter that, but there's really no other explanation. I'm a snob. My mother, sister and girlfriend have all told me so at various times -- sometimes repeatedly. Very well, then. In my own defense, my snobbery is limited mostly to the intellectual and musical varieties. But ever since "Queer Eye for the Straight Guy," I've been overheard saying, "Oh my God, I haven't seen a rug this dreadful since I saw Marv Albert at Spago!" But I digress.\nThere may be a game show contestant gene. My dad auditioned for "Who Wants to Be a Millionaire?" a few years ago, and while he can name every single amino acid and hum a Puccini opera from start to finish, I think he got tripped up on questions like, "P. Diddy is also known as … ?" \nI managed to live out my teen years without making it onto the show. When I came here and considered "College Jeopardy!" I was worried the questions (answers, actually) might be difficult. My fears were quickly put to rest. There was a guy from Purdue who (ahem) was not allowed to continue into the Final Jeopardy round this year. This slightly softens the blow from them beating us at just about every other competitive outing between us this year. Anyway, this is my last semester, so it looks like if I'm going to be on the show, I won't be wearing an IU sweatshirt when I do it.\nThe closest I've come so far to being on the show was when I went to the Indiana State Fair last year. I dragged my dad and girlfriend up there for the very fact that they were holding auditions. Seeing the really huge cows was cool, too, but I digress again. When we got there, the line for the tryouts was, oh, about a thousand people long. Girls might be used to waiting in lines that long for bathrooms, but I couldn't do it. It wasn't meant to be.\nThe exhilaration of meeting an actual Canadian seems reason enough to be on "Jeopardy!" but even more thrilling is the chance to win $17,000 for 22 minutes of work. Someday I'll make it on the show, but until then I'll have to settle for being that annoying guy who shouts out the answers before you get the chance. My snobbery knows no bounds.