Birds of a different feather

I wonder if Pampers is looking for a new spokesman?\nBecause I found one.\nSay hi to Terrell Owens, who, after eight years of crying in San Francisco, the big baby -- also known as T.O. -- finally cried loud enough that the 49ers gave him a new toy in a trade to Baltimore. But like a toddler opening up a gift and finding tube socks, Terrell is crying again. \nHe wants to be a Philadelphia Eagle. He wants a new toy.\nBut what he needs is a T.O. in Cohen's Corner. \nSo for the next few minutes, shut your yap, stop crying and listen up.\nI struggle to tolerate many things in sports. And added to the list of cheerleaders, NASCAR and sideline reporters, I cannot tolerate athletes crying due to their own stupidity. \nOwens, who failed to file the necessary paperwork on time for free-agent status, was traded from San Francisco -- where he was unhappy -- to Baltimore. \nWhere, again, he is unhappy. \nThe Ravens acquired Owens for a second-round draft pick after the 49ers declined the Eagles' offer of a fifth-round pick and wideout James Thrash.\nOwens is refusing to show up in Baltimore for the physical needed to complete the trade.\nOK. Daniel, deep breathe. Relax. Now, let it loose.\nT.O., what the hell is wrong with you?\nWhat is it? Why not Baltimore? Why are you madly in love with the Eagles?\nLet me try and take a stab at it. \nLet's see. It can't be location because Baltimore is just a short down I-90 from Philadelphia. It can't be about getting the ball because you'd be the No. 1 receiver in Baltimore. Granted, Donovan McNabb is a better quarterback then Kyle Boller, but with Boller, you'd get an up-and-coming quarterback throwing to you every time, while in Philly you're getting a quarterback running as much as he throws.\nIt can't be about going to a better team because both teams made the play offs. And although Philly made it to the conference championship game, well, they've been doing that for the last three years.\nIt can't be about a better offense because with your addition to Baltimore, the Ravens -- pending the courts decision (I've said that way too much this year) -- own the best running game in the NFL. \nSo what is it? Why Philly over Baltimore?\nCheesecake over crab cakes?\nAh. Wait a minute. I got it! \nHad you signed as a free agent with the Eagles, you would have received a $10 million signing bonus in addition to a new contract. But because your stupidity spoke louder then your hands, as you forgot to fill out the paper work, you had to be traded under your current contract.\nDamn I'm good!\nCurrently, you make a poor $17.7 million over the next three years. But in the NFL, only a signing bonus is guaranteed money. Oh, Poor T.O.\nNone of this would have happened if you got your homework done in time. Or, at least the person who does your homework -- I mean, your agent could have done it in time.\nSo stop crying. Crying will not excuse you from missing your deadline. Trust me, I've tried. \nAnd now you are upset 49ers' General Manager Terry Donahue did not trade you to Philly. Hmm. Let's see -- should we get a second-round pick or a fifth-round pick? Yea T.O., I'm sorry the general manager of the team is not looking out for your best interests before the teams.\nWhat was I thinking?\nYour time is up. Your timeout is over, get out of my corner.\nGoodbye Terrell.\nOh, P.S. T.O....\nShut up!