I hope you all had a wonderful April Fools' Day and your roommate found it as funny as you did when you replaced his shampoo with Super Glue. Now that we've all had our fun, it's time to address a very serious issue -- taxes. Less than two weeks from today is Tax Day, which means many of you must begin concocting elaborate stories for your extension applications. If you're like me, taxes are confusing and frustrating to the point where you just want to dump a barrel of Earl Grey into Boston Harbor. Fear not, for I will now answer your most frequently-asked questions and get you on the right track to avoid getting edited. I mean audited. Whatever.
1) Why do I have to pay income tax?\nThat's a very good question. Your state and federal governments rely on your tax dollars to help pay for essential programs and services such as filling potholes and providing buckets of pomade for Donald Rumsfeld's hair. Without taxes, senators would be on the streets of Washington, D.C., selling bake sale items to pay for their toner cartridges and Crest Whitening Strips.
2) These forms are complicated. Should I have kept my receipts?\nYou mean you don't have your receipts from Blockbuster Video and Big Red Liquors? That could be a problem. Your best course of action is probably just to write a check made payable to "The Man" for $10,000 and mail it to the IRS. They'll send back whatever they don't need.
3) I give my roommate a ride to class every Tuesday and Thursday. Can I count him as a dependent on my 1040?\nThat's another tricky one. In order to claim a roommate as a dependent, you need to show proof you're the only one who buys toilet paper for your residence, which then qualifies you as the head of the household. Only then can you claim the roomie as a dependent. If that is the case, you don't fill out a 1040. You actually need to file a 1040.00[1]A.2J, which is only available in Cantonese.
4) I accidentally donated one of my favorite Hollister T-shirts to Goodwill, so I went back the next day and stole it from their bin. Does this mean I can't take an itemized deduction?\nI'm not really sure about that, but it reminds me of this time when I let this friend of mine borrow my "Fight Club" DVD, and he kept it for so long that when I asked for it back, he thought it was his.
5) That doesn't help me at all.\n I know, but the lesson here is to write your name on everything. You just never know.
6) You really have no clue what you're talking about, do you?\n None whatsoever.
In my opinion, when it comes to things like taxes and mowing your lawn, the best thing to do is to pay someone else to take care of it for you. As for me, the 10-year-old who lives down the street is calculating my refund while a CPA is helping me out with my crabgrass. I hope this has taken care of your Tax Day questions, and let me remind you I cannot be held responsible for you being audited into oblivion as a result of taking my advice.
