Spoiling a good walk

If you're worried you're not swearing enough or throwing things as often as you would like, you should really spend some time on a golf course. Today, I'm supposed to play in an annual Army ROTC golf tournament with my cadet roommate. There are a number of jokes I would like to make at this point, but I think it's best not to provoke the ire of the Army. So I will just say they are the most refined golfers ever assembled who do not equate distance off the tee with masculinity. \nI got my first set of clubs at the age of 16 and took them on a family vacation shortly after. I was struggling to hit a decent shot at the driving range when the man practicing next to me asked if he could give my driver a try. After hitting the golf ball into the next county, he said, as if he had scripted it, "Well, it's not the club." I can't address the ball anymore without thinking of this funny, funny gentleman.\nI'm not sure what it is about golf that draws me to it and compels me to say things like, "Wow, is that the new Odyssey putter with the proprietary tungsten-weighted insert and the urethane cover? Awesome!" At first, it was probably the chance to drive the cart.\nWhen the weather is nice, I stand on a badly-scarred patch of grass with a bucket of balls and swing away. Unlike, say, knitting an afghan, golf is not something that becomes easier the more often you do it. I have no doubt knitting afghans is full of challenges, but even the greatest knitter to ever wield a pair of needles will never get a Nike sponsorship. "Practice with a purpose," is the mantra of most golf teachers. In this game of feast or famine, my purpose ranges from "hitting the red flag 180 yards away" to "achieving forward progress with the ball."\nIf you like the great outdoors but don't want to have to work too hard to see it, you'll enjoy that golf almost (but not really) feels like exercise. Maybe your muscles are a little sore at the end of the day, but what kind of workout usually includes a beverage cart with beer for sale?\nIf you're thinking about going to see Tiger Woods play in person, you better bone up on your golf etiquette. Unless you want to get pummeled by a caddie, you must remain dead silent during a professional player's swing. If you scream, "GET IN THE HOLE!" too early, you'll be asked to leave. If you step on a twig during a swing, you'll be beaten severely. If you exhale during a putting stroke, your body will never be recovered. Even when it is OK to make noise, you must be very polite about it. At last month's Match Play Championship, someone was ejected from the course for shouting, "No Love!" to Davis Love III as he was walking to his ball. Tiger will yell at you if he hears so much as a camera shutter go off during his downswing. They're very temperamental these people. When I'm putting, I'm lucky if I don't have to contend with a marching band practicing, car honking from the road nearby and my roommate reminding me if I miss this putt I have to pay for his dinner.\nThe outing with the Army ROTC today marks my first time on a golf course since the beginning of January, which means there is a pretty good chance of me embarrassing myself. \nAt least I'll get to drive the cart.