Weed: the cure to binge drinking?

It's been called the botanical nightmare, the green scourge, a monstrosity and the mindless un-killable plant, but it seems 120 years after its introduction to the United States, the despised Southern vine, kudzu, has begun to prove its worth. \nLong been used by the Chinese and Japanese as an herbal medicine, researchers at America's finest institutions began examining the plant that has gripped the country's southeastern region.\nThe most recent findings by researcher Scott Lukas and his team indicate the plant, deemed as a pest by many, might curb binge drinking and possibly alleviate alcoholism. \nLukas' experiment consisted of every college male's ideal Saturday afternoon -- a television, a reclining chair and a refrigerator stocked with ice cold beer. The appeal to participate in the Kudzu Experiment rivals last year's experiment involving the use of marijuana and the consumption of Cheetos. \nThe team's findings showed subjects who took a kudzu capsule drank an average of 1.8 beers during a 90-minute session compared to the 3.5 beers drank by those who took the placebo. \nTherefore, with kudzu's help, the always original exchange, "I didn't know you changed your major to nursing? Because you're nursing that beer," will remain ever popular.\nIt is believed that kudzu increases blood alcohol levels and speeds up the alcohol's effects within the body. In Laymen's terms, students who take kudzu pills need fewer drinks to feel drunk.\nI wonder how the people at Kilroy's and Nick's feel about this. This just might be the breakthrough that not only curbs binge drinking, but curbs the number of appearances my wallet makes in a given night out.\n"It's perfectly safe, from what we can tell," Lukas told The Associated Press. "Individuals reported feeling a little more tipsy or lightheaded, but not enough to make them walk into walls or stumble and fall."\nGoodbye, unnecessary bruises and knee scrapes.\nThe vine has long been dreaded in the southeast, clinging to everything it can, blocking out the sun and killing trees. The invasive interloper, as it is deemed by Georgians, was identified by the United States Department of Agriculture as a pest weed in 1953 because of the plant's exponential growth. Kudzu vines can grow as much as a foot per day during the summer months and can grow 60-feet per year. And "the vine that ate the south" costs the U.S. around $500 million annually in lost cropland and control expenses. However, now the plant which has cost the government so many millions can be peddled to pharmaceutical companies to make uncountable billions. \nThe plant's beneficial medical uses are not confined to simply minimizing the speed at which college students can down a case of Keystones or finish off a bottle of Maker's Mark. Research has shown kudzu's roots contain anti-inflammatory agents, cancer preventatives, an anti-leukemic agent and has been used to fight migraines. \nBut despite the plant's potential benefits, many in the southeast would like nothing more than to see the "rambunctious devil" eradicated. Yet, with new medicinal uses for kudzu popping up seemingly as fast as the vine can grow, the hated "weed" which conquers street signs, homes, vehicles and invades urban areas might finally have earned its stripes and be embraced by those who curse its existence. \nNow could be a good time to inform the audience as to avoid future embarrassment and unethical practices, I have been contracted out by the Society of Kudzu Enthusiasts to write this column, so my view on the plant might be a bit skewed. But seriously, it fights cancer, leukemia, migraines and makes you feel drunk without drinking nearly as much. \nSign me up, especially if another experiment is in the cards.